Category Archives: i-Reflect
This photo was taken in bohol in june this yr by kayakasia.
Came across the photo while scrolling thru fb. To me, the photo speaks of quiet. of peace and quiet. Contrary to what i was feeling that day.
That day, we did a 19km sea crossing and the current was against us the whole time. It was my first time attempting the 4 day kayak trip on a single sea kayak. I was the slowest and i was the last. Often times i was alone too, save for the times when 2 ppl took turns to hang around me in case i couldn’t manage. That day, i heard among the harshest words in my head. I wanted to give up and i didnt think i could make it. Several other negative thoughts passed my mind, of things that didn’t even relate to my paddling against the current. I made it to the shore in the end. 2hrs after the first guy reached, 20 min after my friend reached. I was proud of myself for not giving up.
This year has been a mental struggle for me. But i have through worse and made it out. I will make it through this one too. I will make it through to the quiet.
Just keep paddling.
“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves.”
~ François de La Rochefoucauld ~
i just spent a weekend watching ppl throw cooked food remains and pieces of bread into the ocean so they can see the fish scurry up to feed. some white bellied sea eagles scooped in on the action too. i think we shouldnt feed wild animals. and i told the dive instructor not to do it and he jutted back with a “why? you tell me why?”
his tone made me reconsider why i made that request to not feed the fish. afterall, The SB didnt stop when i told him to not feed the stray dogs. he said it’s good karma.
perhaps it’s my view that is wrong. on a liveaboard, we shower and the soap water goes into the ocean. food scraps get thrown into the ocean too. i need to eat. and the remains get thrown into the ocean too. who am i kidding?
so is it wrong to feed the fish and the dog?
i think i wont tell ppl not to feed animals anymore, cos i myself am not perfect.
something strange tends to happen to my brain when The SB is out of contact. it’s as though my neurones awaken. the first time he was out of contact (while out diving the SS Yongala), i realised i missed him and wanted to talk to him abt something that had come up. he’s away for 6 days this time round.
something that i had held steadfast in my philosophy for over a decade is that ppl dont care. ppl generally dont care. they are selfish and they basically dont care. so on thursday, in response to a casual question, i repeated my philosophy to a group of strangers that ppl dont care. and for some funny reason, i thought to myself, “thats not true.” i hadnt realised that i had changed my opinion of ppl. i walked home that day thinking of all the ways in which The SB had shown that he cares. that he cares not because he is afraid of what the world will think. but because he just cares. i thought about how his family invited me into their homes, and i thought “they care for me because they love him”. i thought my parents care, in whatever ways they know, however they know. you know what i realised?
i realised The SB taught me that ppl do care, without forcing me to believe that ppl do care. this man is someone special. he made a rock melt. he made me feel safe being vulnerable. he showed me how it feels like to be treated right. my man is someone really special.❤