had a long chat with my landlord last night when she figured she’s stuffing all the chocolate into her body cos nothing she’s eating is satisfying her and that she’s left wanting something – and that thing was cigarettes…. apparently, its been 5 yrs since she stopped, and everytime she feels the urge, she pops in food.
i went to bed last night realising that must be why im feeling so unsatisfied. not the cigarette, but the feeling of wanting something. ive been arguing with myself for pretty much the last 3 weeks, with incidents this week clogging up my emotions and my brains telling me to just shut up.
i told my landlord that im quite the opposite of her. she pours her troubles to everyone and anyone. i, over the years, have learnt that ppl dont really care (unless they are your family) and dont really want to hear your troubles cos they have their own shit to handle. and so i tend not to talk abt stuff that bothers me and have evolved to deal with my emotions myself. for the most part, if i dont talk abt it, it will slowly go away and it’ll almost be like it never happened. most theoretical ppl will say thats unhealthy. but it works for me. because at one point in time, almost every feeling i had was questioned or deemed wrong and i became apologetic for the way i felt. i know i have every right to feel how i feel, but its probably wrong and i rather keep quiet instead of say something i shouldnt have said and hurt another person.
but i woke up this morning feeling like i want to throw a tantrum. but im an adult, so i will just hit the roads for a run this evening and wait for this to blow over. cos much of this is baseless. and i probably shouldnt be feeling the way im feeling anyway.