had a very long 3 hr chat with YW last night and it feels like i cleared my heart out (at least for now) and i feel alot alot alot better. guess i needed to say what i felt. and needed someone to listen. am glad she was there for me.
been so stressed over the past week – not that im pushing the blame. it did take me a long while to get to the topic of my lit review.
i sat down early this morning and spoke to myself “why do i put myself thru this?”
“no. cos its been an interest for a long time”
“if its an interest, then why do grades matter?”
“technically it doesnt. but i still want good grades”
“something to show for, that im good. good enough”
“you already have a job back home, you dont need to prove anything to anyone”
“…. it validates my thoughts that im smart enough”
its been a challenging semester for me. definitely not in the same manner as teaching was. but, ive just been very lost. especially with my academics. ppl think that ive been very free, but the truth is, no one was going to believe how stressed i was when i couldnt say things like “i have 5 assignments to submit in a row”. so, what was the point in telling anyone i was stressed?
its been 9 mths away from home, and ive not once been home sick – but for some reason, today, i think i started to feel a little homesick. just a little. i think it was because ive been feeling like giving in to feelings of wanting to give up. i wont. thats not the point, and i will not allow myself to be defeated in such a disgraceful manner. i would never be able to face myself if i gave up. but still, stressful times like this, you think of things or someone that you wish made you feel comforted.
and whats home? well, as eager as i am abt landing at changi airport, i can only imagine the weird smiles on my family’s faces. cant even explain. each of them will be happy to see me, but they’d wish they can see me separately so that they can express their emotions. going home to hear my dad tell me abt what my bro needs to improve or mom telling me to find an excuse to tell my dad and mom telling me that im old and need to get married. i mean, do i really want to go back to all these stuff?
i also had to deal with lots of ‘should-i-do-this’ kinda issues. several situations where i had to juggle between “live in the moment” times vs “dont do something you’ll regret” times. when do you know you’ve crossed the line? i dont know how ppl assess stuff like that. it feels like ive been stuck at the age of 21, because its only been in the recent 2 yrs that i decided to venture out and try stuff. but im still learning and am still experimenting. i dont know how these kids are so confident with their choices. they do whatever they like and are happy with it. has life in SG been too formulated? O levels –> A levels –> poly/uni –> work.
anyway, matters of the heart have come into play and i found myself questioning myself whether this is really happening. after all the ppl ive turned down, this one i havent. and its so so so scary because you never know how its going to turn out. but you never know if you never try. and yet how much do you try. how much does one give? i told myself, as long as i can live with how much im giving (and how much he’s giving) we’ll be fine. ive always thought that at some stage, stuff they show on movies do happen – so if it doesnt happen, does it mean its not real? weird qns… just random musings of what my brain is trying to process. he says i think too much. maybe i do, but i guess i have reason to think alot and i probably will keep thinking until i feel totally secure abt where i stand with us. ive never done anything long distance, while im not worried abt the 6 wks that im away, i think its going to be so hard at the end of my course. i just have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. there is a purpose to this and i will appreciate it.
well, 1am and i suppose its time to sleep
off diving in 10 days
and in 30 days, i’d have submitted all my reports and finished my intensive module
and 4 days after that im flying home – suddenly, i dont really know how i feel abt flying home. i want to, but… haha…
good night world!