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threesome’s the solution to everything!

31 Oct

Quote:

I broke up with my boyfriend last year. He has a new girlfriend which drives me crazy but he still has sex with me because I’m awesome at it. Then he gets upset and says he feels guilty and that I am the devil. I suggested a threesome but he A) said he didn’t think I was funny when I meant it seriously B) took it as further proof that I’m the devil. I don’t mind having sex behind her back, it kind of makes the sex even hotter. However when he’s in a post coital fit of guilt and calling me Satan it kills the moment!!! How do I get him to understand my intentions aren’t evil and I just miss him? -Kelly

Dear Kelly,

I can see that you are a student of the ways of the Sarcastic Sage, and have taken it upon yourself to use a threesome at the solution to your problem. Unfortunately, you cannot just expect to apply this solution haphazardly and expect it to work. The time at which a threesome is being proposed and the manner in which it is being proposed are of utmost importance.

But to make things easier, instead of trying to come with the perfect storm for him to accept your recommendation, why not just blackmail him into it? He already thinks you are the Devil; you really have nothing to lose. This might not be the best way to show that you miss him, but if letting him defile you isn’t doing the job, I don’t know what will.

Sincerely Yours,

Quote:

My ex-girlfriend wants to remain friends. I’ve removed her from Facebook and deleted her number but she still talks to me as if we’re as close as ever! I just want to stop thinking about her and get on with my life. How do I get the message across that I want a life without her? -Adam

Dear Adam,

I know it has become kind of a cliché here, but again we must trust the magical powers of a threesome.

Why don’t you suggest to your ex girlfriend that you want to have a threesome with her and her mom or sister (if she has one). This will end in either of two scenarios. One, you’ll end up living the fantasy of every guy on the planet. Or two, she’ll be so upset at the suggestion that she’ll cut off all ties.

Of course, you’ll need to make sure the mom or the sister are not visually less than desirable.

Do come back and let us know how it works out.

Sincerely,

Sarcastic Sage

Quote:

It happens that I’m in a real dilemma.  I’m into a long distance relationship that’s not working out so well (but I like him sooo much) and on the other hand there’s this guy whom I thought was a friend and who stopped talking to me for way too long cause he fell for me.  Now, I really don’t wanna fail in the long distance relationship and I also wanna keep the other guy as my friend.

What’s the best I could do and please do not tell me to go for a threesome!

Thanks! I look forward to the advise!!!

Bee.

Dear Bee,

You really tie my hands by ruling out threesomes; it is by far the best solution for your dilemma, but let’s see if we can come up with something that will do the trick.

You say that the guy that is close by stopped talking to you because he likes you and you just want him as a friend. He really does sound like he is a keeper, be it as a friend or significant other (should the twisty path of life lead you in that direction). So I understand your desire to keep him around until the fate of the long-distance relationship becomes clear.

There are two options before you: First, continue the long-distance ‘relationship’ which you seem to not be particularly good at. Second, put the long-distance relationship out of its misery and see if you can resuscitate the friendship with the local guy, and who knows, maybe you’ll end up developing romantic feelings for him.

So these are basically your two options, but I still think you should consider the one option that you have already ruled out. It really is the most fun, and has the greatest potential of blowing up in your face (this pun was fully intended). Great outcomes spring from great risk, so why not be the latest person to give the tried and true method of solving problems a try?

Sincerely,

Quote:

I have been friends with this one girl for around 2 years now, I fell for her almost immediately and she rejected me. Just recently I had to transfer to the same school as her for some required credits and we began to hang out a lot. After a while it really seemed like we had started dating, although unintentionally. I did not think about this until she invited me to dinner with her parents. Now here’s the problem, I am horrible with relationships and couple that with the fact that my family is going through the worst financial crisis to date, we may lose our home, I have been super stressed out. Basically, I get angry at her for tiny things and I believe I’m fucking it up royally, as they say in Britain or England (same shit).

The point is that I already know I have to find a new way to release stress, but how can I make it up to her? (A threesome definitely will not work, I tried before). –Hoff

Dear Hoff,

I am glad that you’ve been paying attention to my advice, and have already tried a threesome. Even though threesomes are known to be able to solve almost every problem, there are still times that the issue is just too big for a threesome; however, this is not one of them. If you are thinking that I am instead going to recommend a foursome, you are mistaking.

It’s not the threesome that is the problem, but rather the people involved in it. Since you are the one who needs to relieve stress in order to avoid taking it out on your girlfriend, then you need to find two willing parties who are equally stressed and in need of relief. Under no circumstances try to involve your girlfriend in this threesome because you are bound to snap at her for doing something wrong, and that’ll just make things worse.

Sincerely Yours,

LOL… gosh. needed a laugh. now back to work!

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Posted by on October 31, 2012 in i-Blabber

 

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