ive been flashed at before. been molested twice before. almost had a older English man kiss me at a bar before. well, for the first time, adding to this list, ive just been courteously asked by an older man if i would be interested to have sex with him.
he seemed all diplomatic, chatting me up by the side of the road, about where i was from and what i was doing in tsv. he offered to give me a lift to whereever i needed to in his flashy Mercedes Benz. i declined. it was hot and we were standing under the sun and so he asked if i would like to sit in his car for a few minutes while we chat. i told him i had to rush home to work on my reports. and then he said he’d be honest and said he was “looking for some female company”. in all naivety, i still thought i should give this man the benefit of a doubt. maybe he just wanted to chat. i waited for him to finish his speech and realised what he was getting at. with each sentence, the closer his hand gestures came to my body. the more uncomfortable i became. and each time i responded, i took the opportunity to step back a little. why was i still entertaining him? dont even ask. after what seemed like 2 minutes of casual conversation and 3 minutes of me declining his offers, he continued to try his luck.
“so you are not interested in any fashion”
“how about we just sit in the car and chat for 10 min”
“yea, i really should get back, not too free. sorry”
“well, its not easy for me to ask a lady this question, but i just thought that instead of going to the thai massage palour nearby, because that would be a one-way thing, that if you might be interested in something”
“well, how about i take you to lunch or dinner? or do you have a boyfriend?”
“yea actually, i do”
“well, then i’ll pay for a dinner for the both of you, somewhere nice”
“thats alright. its not necessary. i have to go anyway.”
i start to walk away, he starts to walk away.
“i hope you dont think im a desperate old man. its not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable.”
“thats alright. im sure you have your needs”
“so you are not interested? how about i give you something for… you know, in exchange for….”
“ha… yea.. sorry. no”
“alright. doesnt hurt to try.”
“well i hope you get on fine”
“well, at this age, you dont get on fine. you just get on. i was hoping for an explosion, but this turned out just flat”
i trailed off ending the conversation.
walked off almost faulting myself for engaging in the conversation just because i didnt want him feeling bad. but, money for sex? ha… thats a new low for me. ass!
this came after a morning of heaviness. heaviness that even a shift at reef HQ couldnt eradicate. and reef HQ always brought a smile to my face. as hard as this morning was, i didnt want to judge this man whose concepts were totally incompetent with my moralities.
he appeared like a decent man. im sure he probably is. perhaps men just have their needs. and maybe at that age when they grow desperate, they arent looking for love. (maybe they are, but dont expect it to happen to them. so the next best thing is to find other ways to experience it). might seem pervertic. but, how different is this urge from wanting to have a few drinks on a bad day? i really shouldnt judge.
im not all that innocent, so perhaps i’m not the right person to talk abt chastity. but, while im not as traditional as some might like me to be, im also not as flippant as the majority of society is in this day and age. how could sex mean anything less than love? a girl’s not a sex toy. and sex without genuine love means nothing more than authority without rapport with a delinquent. its meaningless. and with ppl telling me, “marriage doesnt mean anything”, i mean…. this is not the society i know. this is not the morality i believe in. it seems like i belong to an earlier era – where ppl in a relationship actually intend for it to last forever.
in all purity, treat a lady as you would the petals of a flower. without intentions of lust or filth. believe in a man as you would the roots of an old oak tree. the tenderness and strength that love shows – it must be special. it must mean something. one doesnt just go up to a girl (and i wasnt trashily dressed AT ALL), and ask if she’d sleep with him because he needs some ‘explosion’. or to pose in a bikini cos his friend wants to send postcards to his friend.
this might not seem like a big deal to some others. and honestly, im not sitting down crying over this either. its just bugging me a little. and im sure it’ll pass. just got me thinking abt how sex and all associated pleasures doesnt mean anything to many ppl in the world. afterall, we are animals, technically, we are only here to procreate. emotions are just in the way. like i am, breaking the procreational rules of the animal kingdom.