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living someone else’s dreams

19 May

mom’s been so depressed abt how ive turned out. i cant even begin to imagine how much of a heartache ive given her. will probably never be able to redeem myself. i understand that it is may be considered what filial piety is, and more so in my culture where duty to parents is considered to be the best dedication to God. but, i still cant bring myself to live someone else’s dream. i am not ready to give up living my life just because she has given up living hers. just because she thinks there is no other life apart from being married and having kids. i just cant. and i wont do it unless it is for the right reasons.

age – unfortunately is not an acceptable reason in my opinion.

her idea of me being successful and her being a successful mother –> me married with 2 kids by now. its not that i dont want to get married or that i dont want to have kids. but, family has to be created for the right reasons. otherwise, it ends up like my parents, who got married cos their parents told them they had to. look at them now. they live a robotic life, together cos society expects them to, cant go apart cos there’s nothing else thereafter. they are both upset, disappointed at how their life turned out, and have no aspirations for themselves, and they continue to live just for us (which is why she feels she has failed as a mother)

gosh, i am not making their mistake. i am happy doing the things i love, seeing the world, and living in the moment. i am happy. and i think that should have to be good enough.

i just wish she’d understand that the things that she thinks makes someone happy may not be the same things that make me happy. and that i am happy and am doing more things than i ever thought i would a decade ago. i need her to know that. and i wish she’d get past the “me-getting-married” part and accept me wholeheartedly so that she wont feel embarrassed if ppl ask why her 31 yr old daughter is not married yet. i hope she’ll find things that interests her and that she’ll be happy with her new past time. i need her to get over the stereotype that happiness can only come from one thing. i just need her to.

i need her to know im not here to live someone else’s dreams.

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Posted by on May 19, 2012 in i-Reflect, i-Wish

 

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