excitement over, im now quite anxious

12 Jan

perhaps things might have been cleaner if i had resigned. but i didnt. and now im facing the music.

with the new year holidays over, the uni has been emailing me stuff and i have been in contact with various branches of the uni. fixing on-campus accommodation and waiting for their reply is nerve wrecking. cos if i dont get a room allotted, i will have to go back to finding off-campus accommodation. i have to wait till mid jan to activate my computer account. and until i do that, i cant enrol into my modules. i havent booked arrival service, i havent gotten my visa because i waiting for my passport to be renewed. and the best part is, i dont even know when my leave starts.

reporting to work has been mundane enough for me to feel like this is just stupid and redundant. and it doesnt help that i have jealous ppl walking by saying, “you very free ah”. or when i ask ppl out for lunch, “some of us actually have work to do you know?”. you mean you usually dont find free periods to eat meh?

well, of course im free. ive not been deployed. but im not the one who requested to report to work. given a choice, i’d much rather not earn the salary for the first 2 weeks and stay home to settle my stuff. so stop patronising me, you green-eyed ppl. its not what i asked for. its just the way the system is.

i have also already been paid for january. now i have to liaise with yet another dept (finance) to return them as deemed necessary. thats adding on to unnecessary paper work.

ive started packing my room and that marks the reality of me leaving. suddenly im wondering if im spending enough time with everyone. its not an overnight camp or a 1 week holiday. i will be gone, for quite a while. and the reality of that is slapping my face every single minute that im not occupied with something to distract me.

what do you do when you have a few weeks left with your family? i was worried abt how my family is going to handle it. but now im worried abt how I’M going to handle it!

conveniently, the ability to stay in a state of denial is growing. ever so often, i dont wish to face up to the fact that i will be alone in a foreign state, with no friend to turn to. living independently, while being a refreshing idea, suddenly makes me fearful.

AT said, “you scared for what! wah lau! 1.5 yr got no government. you can do whatever you want. stay out however late you want. no need to answer to anyone” and i thought, “ya, i should be excited uh”. but the truth? its freaking me out that i have to handle everything myself. what if i make no friends and have no one to turn to? what if the ppl i get to know are cunning and evil ppl? how will going to the common kitchen in every level be with strangers? meeting strangers in the toilets. meeting strangers in class. meeting strangers in the library. where will i work? what will my hall residents be like? wild undergraduates or mature post grads?

it appears like i dont have enough time to mentally prepare myself just cos im constantly worried abt my leave date. haiz… and blabbering abt this isnt gonna make things better. its just that i was hoping that going away would be alot smoother and planned. rather than unplanned like this…

i hope my leave matters get settled soon and i can stop reporting to work so that i can sort out my other issues.

time to get back to doing miscellaneous things. ciao!

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Posted by on January 12, 2012 in i-Blabber


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