it took me quite a while to walk out of the shadows. and believe me when i say there’re very few ppl will fully understand the depth of that statement…
one of quotes from the valedictorian speech in Twilight: Eclipse is this:
“But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this? ‘who the hell knows?’. This isnt the time to make hard and fast decisions, this is the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong training, get stuck somewhere. Fall in love, alot. Major in philisophy because there’s no way you can make a career out of that. Change your mind and change it again. because nothing’s permanent. so make as many mistakes as you can. that way, someday when they ask what we want to be, we won’t have to guess. we’ll know.”
i might not be at that perfect young age to make mistakes and take a risk, leaving everything i know behind. but, if not now, it’ll be never. so this change im making will set me off in another direction. take me to a whole new world. but i know i want this and i know how much i want this.
a student of mine posted this on FB once…
“When people walk away from you, let them go.
Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you & it doesn’t mean they are bad people… It just means that their part in your story is over.”
looking back, the past 10 yrs have been so important in creating me. but last july’s misunderstanding needed to happen for me to realise that some things will never work out, and to wake up and find the will to go and do the things i love.
so, for the past 1.5 years, ive been creating my future. the story of my future. ive been doing the things ive only dreamt of doing last time. realising my dreams so far has been powerful. it might not seem like much of an accomplishment to others, but it seems a hell of alot to me! knowing how much ive wanted to accomplish the things ive done so far, i find my past 1 year inspirational. i went for a speedboat course (and chose not to go for the test and im ok with that), went for my driving lessons and passed, got myself a car, bought myself birding binoculars (and learnt a bit abt bird watching), wrote an article for NSS Nature Watch, went for a perth trip, wrote a couple of petitions to LTA and RWS, bought underwater camera, learnt diving and am aiming to dive in the great barrier reef someday (and dive once every 6 mths at least), got asked to go for a 4-day horseshoe crab conference in Hong Kong (but clashed with my Perth trip), climbed a small mountain in kluang, went for my advanced open water dive course, presented at the BioDiversity Symposium, awaiting publication of my 2nd paper (a local publication though), presented in a Nature Society (Singapore) Conference, and now, im making the next change in my life. i dont know what prospects marine bio has in Singapore. but, education shouldnt always be abt how much money you can make with it. its just something i enjoy, and i should do it while i can still afford it. the next 1.5 years will be different. what happens after that? well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
my only concern is that this path im choosing now isnt what my parents typically consider the kind of life to live. i had a hard time trying to get my mom to understand my point of view. but just as i cant accept hers, she cant accept mine. and she’s just at a lost. and i feel terrible cos i do love her and i hate to see her looking helpless and desperate. but, i do not want to live my life like ive lived the past 10 years. or like she has lived hers. “there is no force more powerful than the will to live” and i hope my mom can see that. she has given so much to the family (this family only exists cos of her sacrifices), i hope she’ll make something out for herself. but she feels its all too late and thats all there is to her life. i wish i can keep her with me forever, but i guess she wont be happy in another country either…
is this being selfish? i think life must make sense. in the end, your achievements and accomplishments must outweigh your regrets. sadly, i think disappointing my parents is one regret i wont be able to recover from. unless they can realise that the reason why i so passionately want to make something out for myself, is because i dont want to end up like them. nor do i want the spend the next 50 yrs of my life wallowing in self-pity and giving hypothetical answers to “what if”s and “if only”s.
i dont want to look back anymore. and i know ive accomplished more things looking forward, then being in the shadows. who doesnt make mistakes? we learn, and move on. why should we allow our mistakes to rule the rest of our lives? “its not abt what you do when you fall. its what you do when you get back up” i want to live my dreams, not just dream dreams.
it’ll be weird making new friends. back in a lecture hall, as a student. going out to the ocean every month (?), learning abt the behaviours of marine creatures, back to reading literature, writing reports, stressing out over exams, aiming for the As, etc. but you know what? this is something ive been wanting to do for a really long time. and i am going to make the best out of this. because, i create my own future. this is the next chapter of my story 😀