Monthly Archives: December 2011
it took me quite a while to walk out of the shadows. and believe me when i say there’re very few ppl will fully understand the depth of that statement…
one of quotes from the valedictorian speech in Twilight: Eclipse is this:
“But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this? ‘who the hell knows?’. This isnt the time to make hard and fast decisions, this is the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong training, get stuck somewhere. Fall in love, alot. Major in philisophy because there’s no way you can make a career out of that. Change your mind and change it again. because nothing’s permanent. so make as many mistakes as you can. that way, someday when they ask what we want to be, we won’t have to guess. we’ll know.”
i might not be at that perfect young age to make mistakes and take a risk, leaving everything i know behind. but, if not now, it’ll be never. so this change im making will set me off in another direction. take me to a whole new world. but i know i want this and i know how much i want this.
a student of mine posted this on FB once…
“When people walk away from you, let them go.
Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you & it doesn’t mean they are bad people… It just means that their part in your story is over.”
looking back, the past 10 yrs have been so important in creating me. but last july’s misunderstanding needed to happen for me to realise that some things will never work out, and to wake up and find the will to go and do the things i love.
so, for the past 1.5 years, ive been creating my future. the story of my future. ive been doing the things ive only dreamt of doing last time. realising my dreams so far has been powerful. it might not seem like much of an accomplishment to others, but it seems a hell of alot to me! knowing how much ive wanted to accomplish the things ive done so far, i find my past 1 year inspirational. i went for a speedboat course (and chose not to go for the test and im ok with that), went for my driving lessons and passed, got myself a car, bought myself birding binoculars (and learnt a bit abt bird watching), wrote an article for NSS Nature Watch, went for a perth trip, wrote a couple of petitions to LTA and RWS, bought underwater camera, learnt diving and am aiming to dive in the great barrier reef someday (and dive once every 6 mths at least), got asked to go for a 4-day horseshoe crab conference in Hong Kong (but clashed with my Perth trip), climbed a small mountain in kluang, went for my advanced open water dive course, presented at the BioDiversity Symposium, awaiting publication of my 2nd paper (a local publication though), presented in a Nature Society (Singapore) Conference, and now, im making the next change in my life. i dont know what prospects marine bio has in Singapore. but, education shouldnt always be abt how much money you can make with it. its just something i enjoy, and i should do it while i can still afford it. the next 1.5 years will be different. what happens after that? well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
my only concern is that this path im choosing now isnt what my parents typically consider the kind of life to live. i had a hard time trying to get my mom to understand my point of view. but just as i cant accept hers, she cant accept mine. and she’s just at a lost. and i feel terrible cos i do love her and i hate to see her looking helpless and desperate. but, i do not want to live my life like ive lived the past 10 years. or like she has lived hers. “there is no force more powerful than the will to live” and i hope my mom can see that. she has given so much to the family (this family only exists cos of her sacrifices), i hope she’ll make something out for herself. but she feels its all too late and thats all there is to her life. i wish i can keep her with me forever, but i guess she wont be happy in another country either…
is this being selfish? i think life must make sense. in the end, your achievements and accomplishments must outweigh your regrets. sadly, i think disappointing my parents is one regret i wont be able to recover from. unless they can realise that the reason why i so passionately want to make something out for myself, is because i dont want to end up like them. nor do i want the spend the next 50 yrs of my life wallowing in self-pity and giving hypothetical answers to “what if”s and “if only”s.
i dont want to look back anymore. and i know ive accomplished more things looking forward, then being in the shadows. who doesnt make mistakes? we learn, and move on. why should we allow our mistakes to rule the rest of our lives? “its not abt what you do when you fall. its what you do when you get back up” i want to live my dreams, not just dream dreams.
it’ll be weird making new friends. back in a lecture hall, as a student. going out to the ocean every month (?), learning abt the behaviours of marine creatures, back to reading literature, writing reports, stressing out over exams, aiming for the As, etc. but you know what? this is something ive been wanting to do for a really long time. and i am going to make the best out of this. because, i create my own future. this is the next chapter of my story 😀
tonight i lie in bed, wondering how im going to leave this place without finding a solution for the one who’s crying quietly in the next room.
i tried to refrain from blogging abt this.
trust me. i tried.
i dont know if anyone from UP there can correct the mess that the Amateur Man from Krypton and Grossly Rude and Conceited Man of Power (AMKGRCMP) just created. from saying that they dont have good command of english to saying that he did not say it correctly. i find it highly amusing that, while i explain to my students that we shouldnt be affected by racial remarks from ‘outsiders’ cos that can create a major problem in our multi cultural, multi ethnic, multi lingual, multi religious society, our very own Man of Power can say such a thing. tell me why again we need to wait for ‘outsiders’ to sow discord when we have our own capable Man of Power to do that for us.
im just wondering. if racial remarks on blogs and public spaces are displayed, the dedicated (and i’m proud of them) team of ppl go out to warn/punish and remove all traces of such uncouth remarks. because the government did say they take a serious view on any remarks that could potentially stir up racial discord. right?
oh, but im pretty sure nothing’s going to happen to this AMKGRCMP (apart from internal ticking off) cos like i mentioned he is a Man of Power.
not so bad if he is some small fly in the bottom most end of the line of power says something like this. might be forgivable (although that still needs to be corrected cos it is dangerous). ha… the joke is, its the big fly on the top of the line that said something like this. and while we all know that we say racist jokes now and then, such things are not meant to be said for the whole world to hear. and this wasnt a joke, this was an accusation!
can you imagine if the ppl on top think like that? i guess that explains alot. i think that says quite a bit on how much they value the surface social cohesion that Father Lee and team of capable ppl have created.
dont make me bring up a whole truck load of displeasure i’ve experienced. i dont want to do that. my country has come to the point where i have to DESCRIBE and EXPLAIN what bandung is to the PRC working in MY local COFFEE SHOP. dont push it. even the filipinos working in our service industry put in more effort to learn British English. even if Son Lee has to explain this Man of Power’s mistake, i think its too much that my leaders have a such a poor opinion on just 2 groups of ppl here.
i think that was my last straw. if Pay and Pay cannot choose their Man of Power and discern between ppl who want the country to prosper and those who by default have to climb the ladder, or instead put up family and friends and scholars and young girls who get roped in by the GRC system, they are going to wash down the efforts of our forefathers. this is just plain disappointing and disgusting.
you want ppl to stand for election, go through the Total Defense lesson first. maybe then they’ll know why thinking before they speak is so important. geez!
the girl hopped up and down excitedly. the grill on the ground was just high enough. i was watching her for a few seconds when i heard her squeal. “mama” she said and waved desperately as she turned behind. a man walks up with a younger boy in his arms. “mama” the girl shouted again. the mother approaches the girl and squats down. in smiles, she raises a finger from her left hand to wipe a tear drop from her cheek. she stands up and smooches the younger boy and squats down to smile at the daughter again. she spends a couple of minutes mirror-imaging her daughter’s hand movements. and then she walks away. the boy cries. pointing to the mother, he wails, begging her not to leave. he doesnt know that she just needs to collect her luggage and she’ll be right out, right with him. alas, all that separates them is a 0.1″ glass pane. so near, yet so far.
im about to book my tickets and ive diverted to the topic on “how to survive long flights?”
i’ve never experienced jet lag (i mean, how bad can it be?) and while ive always brushed it aside thinking that the body just needs some adjusting to to return to normal condition, im suddenly nervous about how uncomfortable i’d be. flashes of the horrible seats of JetStar comes to my memory. the immense discomfort and slowly increasing lower back pain will be a real pain in the ass! thank goodness im not travelling on jetstar for this long trip!
so i googled for advice on how to survive long flights.
which landed me at these few websites.
these websites have given me some good points to consider.
despite all these advice, my only strategy to escape from the tormenting journey is to get business class seats so that i’d be more comfortable with more seat space to move around when i need to change body positions. and quite frankly, wouldnt this be fantastic! but uh… my economy seat tix are already well over S$1300, and the premium economy class ticket falls short of S$3000 while business class ticket for my airline falls just short of S$5000, so i guess i’ll just have to stick it through in the economy seats. unless of course, the advice from this guy works out for me!
i also considered breaking the trip into more legs. my current trip itinerary has 2 legs, with just an hour break between both legs. breaking it into 3 legs might make it more comfortable. at least i get to stretch and walk around somewhere inside the airport, although with no intention to buy anything cos prices will just be too high. of course, that would mean my 12 hour journey will become a 16 hour journey.
so while im freakishly worried that travelling east will bring me a highly unpleasant experience, i have no choice but to go ahead. and to allow me to get up and move as and when i want to, ive decided to give up my usual window seat and get an aisle seat instead. that’ll save me the trouble of waking others up to get out of my seat, or choosing not to move around to avoid disturbing others. on 2nd thoughts, that would also mean that others seated inside will have to trouble me as they move out! and i think i’d much rather sleep more than walk around on a long flight…. so window seat it shall be.
i’m booking my ticket…….