quite a few things going on with me right now and i dont quite know how to segmentise it. its the first time in all my 6 yrs of teaching that i actually didnt arrange for anything to happen during the one week holiday. all i want to do is slack at home. not even go out, just slack at home. so when i see a familiar (yet unwanted) number ringing on my hp, i wait and wait, and ponder if its ok that i dont pick it up. avoiding is not going to make anything go away. but thats what i want to see happen. i want certain things to disappear. and thats making me feel guilty. i start to doubt myself as a person with the correct values and attitude. or character, for that matter. while many ppl go overseas without feelings of guilt, im scolding myself for arranging a dive trip this weekend. and i wonder why (it is the hols afterall). i went to pick up the new dive manual today and the familiar ocean scented smell of the wet gear reminded me abt how much i want to go under again. it feels like the one place where i dont remember why im feeling like my life is in a total mess. and im pretty sure its not a novelty thing. diving is a lifestyle….
i cant seem to move forward or make any plans. like right now, all the things i need to do/want to do are like stars in the sky. there are so many dots are out there and i cant seem to connect them in a way that makes sense at this point. i have been feeling lost. angry at myself for feeling lost. angry that i have slowed down on my running/swimming regime. angry at myself for recently remembering things that i decided to let go off (i dont want to go back to that place i was anymore. i just dont.). i feel restrained that i cant really show or tell my thoughts to anyone cos everything is still undecided. i need to settle one thing at a time, and i must make sure i dont fall apart cos i still want to finish each year feeling dignified that i didnt screw up. yet it feels like i still havent gotten control of my life after learning how to rebel. lol. once you get to that point where you feel that everything else, other than what you deem is impt, is not impt, you’ll rebel. and thats not professional cos rebelling is so addictive. and it gives you an excuse to not do things that should normally be done.
it seems like im making my own rules and yet i dont have a sensing where the directions will lead me to. my current ability to do things seem far away from my own expectations of myself… where is that girl who went in with so much drive and motivation to do what she loved. im tired. though sometimes you yearn to hear the words, “you can do it girl!”, i know thats not going to make much of a difference. the strength to pull through always comes from within.
perhaps ive taken up too many things. being involved in actual outfield research, preparing for presentation at a symposium, writing a paper for a conference, starting to give more importance to my dreams and personal well being – i mean, no one has any right to say i cant do all these because it is my prerogative. but i mean…… something has got to give way isnt it….. and it cant be work. and it shouldnt have to be family. so, im not accepting any more committments outside cos this is the most i can go. so, thats it for this year. but yes, i still need to fight through this year. drag my dead-weight body to work everyday and still deliver my best cos my life is just one life. at work, i got 200 lives to answer for. so… once again, im pushing myself. and counting down too.
26 days to N level maths
30 days to end of year exam
42 days to O level sci pract
56 days to O level sci exam
all that ends in less than 2 mths……………….. i have got to do it.