am sitting here starting at my facebook wall, not knowing what to say or do. i should be starting on my 4th paper for prelims. but, im so exhausted emotionally. i think ive reached the point in my career where i realise that no amount of care and concern will make much of a difference to most students. whether you are there or not there, probably doesnt make a difference.
ppl can say that caring teachers do make a difference. ya, maybe. but, it wouldnt matter even if they weren’t caring. i still spend time talking to students just to see how they are doing, coping with life in sch. i still make students speak their minds and cry so that they’ll feel better after that, and then they can move on. but im really getting busy. im over my head with the amount of work to finish. dont ask me what im busy with. even i cant list it down, because its just bit and pieces of everything that’s cramping up my life.
i have piles of marking to do. i have been contemplating taking a 2 day MC just so that i can hide somewhere and mark. but, then i wouldnt do it, cos then my syllabus wont be covered. i feel guilty each time i go into my 4NA maths class cos i feel im not prepared for the lesson and im falling short of my own expectations of myself when it comes to the delivery of the lesson.
and urgent things that MUST be done have been coming up. ppl say prioritize, but everything seems urgent and impt. and for once, i kinda wish that i was a sucky teacher so that no extra work comes to me. but, thats not the case.
i also learnt this week that students who really care abt you will notice that you arent looking too good. there are just the few of them. the first person who noticed was TGG, who pointed his finger at me and threateningly said, “you dont lie to me, i know you are sad. you better tell me what it is!”. but i refused to say. and then there was SN and TJ. and a few others. at several points today, i just felt like crying. but i hate to cry in front of ppl, so i held it in. but i had to put in so much effort cos saying just a few words would trigger my tear glands. and so i just, smiled, nodded my head and said, “mmmm….” most of the time. but at the end of it all, i had to go to sj room to hide and cry. cos the disappointment from my students was just overwhelming. i feel i shouldnt have worried abt them, i feel i neednt have tried to work out study plans with them, encouraged them, comforted them, or tried to push them to exceed their own expectations, or even bother creating opportunities for them to grow. i feel i shouldnt have thought too much into the mistake that was made. perhaps they would have been happy not being in the competition. i feel maybe it wouldnt have mattered that much to them anyway. i feel the committee wanted their participation more than they did.
so for most part of it, it really wouldnt have mattered. cos i think the sense of ownership and feeling of appreciation would naturally come if it did matter. maybe thats why i feel so cheated. cos i still believed that after all we did for them, they’ll actually feel passionate abt what they do. that they’ll pass on the passion to others. afterall, if they themselves dont feel proud of what they’ve achieved, then whats the worth in that award? they actually dont feel proud of what they have achieved. its that kind of feeling that you work so hard for something that they dont really care for. in the end, we feel happy cos we think they are happy, but actually they dont give a damn. i feel cheated. actually most ppl succeed after they leave sec sch – i feel we shouldnt bother trying so much. when it matters to them, they’ll do it.
but, coming to this realization wasnt easy. as much as i put my heart and soul into education, i think, none of that really matters. and you know whats the funny thing? students are what makes me want to come to sch everyday. and even they can disappoint me.. if i feel this way, i think, its time to leave. perhaps its time for all those newbies out there who get inspired by the teaching advertisements to come into this fraternity. where they can spend a few years here hopeful abt the prospects of everything this fraternity promises.
but me? im tired. im tired of getting disappointed by students i love. im tired of putting in my best effort for ppl who dont really read much into it. after 6 years, i feel, ive reached my height, and fallen back hard to the reality of things. that what we do doesnt really matter. if the kids want it, they’ll do what it takes to achieve it. if they dont want it, they wont bother. maybe thats why the previous batch fought so hard. cos they had the drive to achieve more. maybe this batch doesnt feel thats important. and thats just them. and that doesnt mean they are bad kids. that just means they have different goals in life. and there isnt anything wrong with that isnt it.
i’ll just need to grow into an emotionally stronger person so that when the next person disappoints me, i wouldnt hide in sj room crying my heart out. i’ll grow strong.