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zooming in… deep in…

21 Mar

ive got this pent up anger, for some reason. for many reasons.

yesterday, while out, i saw this indian guy on crutches. at first, i shook it off as a probable sprain, a fracture at worst. as he got closer, i saw one side of his jeans dangling.

his right leg was amputated below his knee.

my palms and fingers froze. he is a young guy, probably in his 20s. he had the rest of his life ahead of him. and he had to do it without a leg. and there will be many more like him.

of course, typically, i thought that i should be grateful for everything i had. but immediately, i felt angry that even though i knew i had to be grateful, many of the times, its just never actualised.

angry, that sometimes, maybe im still petty, still small-minded, still lazy, still self-indulgent, still too full of myself…….

angry that i feel that way.

angry, that despite how much i know im blessed with everything else that i have, im still hoping for more.

i saw some land mine victims in cambodia, playing music to get some money from passers-by. some had parts of their limbs deformed, some no sight.

was that all there is for them? were they going to do this forever?

how do i get more out of my life? surely, i can do more with this existence than what im doing now.

im angry that im losing meaning in what im doing now. im angry that im not doing more than what im doing now.

im angry at the fear that this might be all i ever do……

im angry at the insecurity im feeling..

im just angry, that after this is over, i’ll go back to the same old way of living life….

im angry, because, this post might be the furthest i’ll ever go with my pent up anger……

Amma, guide me….

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Posted by on March 21, 2010 in i-Angry, i-Pray, i-Wish

 

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