a year on

i hadn’t done a year end post in 2017. alot had happened then and alot has happened in 2018. how time flies this fast, i dont know. so here’s my 2 yrs in summary

moved into my own flat
resigned from school in Singapore
started working overseas
climbed rinjani (almost)
dived deeper (43m)
got engaged
saw my first manta
finally saw a whale shark
got married

today, i chatted with a ex colleague who dropped me off at the MRT station. He asked how my parents were doing. I said they are getting old. it’s easy enough to keep parents off your mind when you’re away from them but the reality is, and deep inside you know, they are getting old and less able. i remember a few years ago when my dad came down to help me replace a flat tyre. he was huffing and puffing. the once strong man was getting weak. he is even weaker now. he’s rested for a few months, started swimming, walking alot more, even climbed bukit timah hill. good on him.

my mom is getting more and more forgetful. she’s held on to this life of hers for a long time, kept going. and must still keep going. it’s a case of i want to do more, but it’s also the case of everything else that makes you say “tomorrow”.

meanwhile, i’m still facing uncertainties, but i’m a bit less uncomfortable, cos we know roughly what will happen. at least there’s a plan. there was a question i frequently ask myself. where would my self worth come from if i wasn’t earning. it’s a discussion i’ve had with a few people. some said self-worth comes from knowing you’ve accomplished something. now accomplishing something means different things to different people. to an employee, it’s completing the job for the day. what if i wasn’t working. to a mother, it’s making sure her child gets her best. what if i wasn’t a mother. is it really that much of an accomplishment to stay at home and keep the house clean and cook food for the day? i suppose at the end of the day, it’s our own mindset. and the mindset of our partner. being financially independent is what ive been taught, grown up with. what more with a mortgage loan to pay. it’s important to me that im financially independent, that much i know. so all in good time, i’ll figure something out. you know why? COS I STILL WANNA DIVE AND CLIMB AND KAYAK AND DO FUN STUFF! #igotmyprioritiesright 😀

in all, 2017/2018 has been an eventful year.

what adventures 2019 will bring is still up for grabs!

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Posted by on December 18, 2018 in i-Happy, i-Reflect


Protected: time heals

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Posted by on December 28, 2017 in i-Reflect


some try to forget, some tend to dwell

i will do neither

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Posted by on December 15, 2017 in i-LiveMyLife, i-Miss


Protected: i think i wanna marry you

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Posted by on December 11, 2017 in i-Love


when the heart mends

something happened in July 2010 that awakened me. we probably have different interpretations of what happened. for me, it was the moment i realised i didnt need to dwell anymore. i felt liberated. for the first time in a long time, i felt i could breathe. mistakes made, were but just a fragment of the past. the future was waiting, and i was doing in justice by dwelling.

2 years later i met someone. in the post graduate room in the library. we happened to have lunch breaks at the same time and we both brought food from home. we’d walk down to the benches and have a nice breather and eat our sandwiches. he’d eat a muesli bar and a fruit too. it was nothing, at first. but i enjoyed spending my time with this person. when another friend asked me down for lunch, i’d say that i was waiting for him. “how old are you”, he asked me once. and i wasn’t shy to say i was 31. he was 35 then.

when i realised that he was interested in me, suddenly i felt like i couldnt pull away. i knew i didnt want to be in a relationship. relationships are complicated. made more complicated by me. but i couldnt pull away from him. that night as he drove me back to my place, i sat in the car and took a moment. “what’s going on?” i asked. he said he liked me. i told myself that everything was wrong and that i was a messy person with a messy story. he put his arms over me, and i kept running through my thoughts.

over the week, we continued chatting, as i tried to figure out where my mind and heart was. when the weekend came, we went out to the beach. i remember lying on the sand, watching our first shooting star go by. a dog had broken off its leash and ran towards me. i panicked and turned towards him. i had intended to tell him about my previous relationships in the beach, but i didnt know how to. i wanted to leave, but with his gentle firmness, he said, “tell me”. and i did. with all my nervousness and fear, i told him.

he still has this quality about him. he doesnt react to something that he knows im nervous about. he lets me tell him whatever i’m feeling, whatever i want to say. he let’s me take my time. he let’s me say it, fighting through my fear. he lets me feel safe saying it.

that night at the beach, i still couldn’t bring myself to kiss him. i was doubtful. i had trained myself to not be with any other person. it was a rule i had made for myself. i wasnt sure if i was ready to break it. we hugged when we met. we hugged when we parted.

the next weekend we hung out again. we got off the car and he stuck his hand out. i instinctively grabbed it, not even thinking about it. he had drawn me in, and i didnt even know it. we had dinner at a windy and cold place. i couldn’t finish my salmon dish, he ate some for me. as dinner ended, i wasnt ready to leave him yet. so i suggested we continue chatting, perhaps somewhere like castlehill. he drove us up and we found a place behind some construction tape to sit. we spoke at length about what we were. i remember him saying that if i didnt want to get into this, then i should let him know. i said ok, and sat away from him. i must have looked extremely sad, because he grabbed me soon after and hugged me tight. we continued to talk. and i realised my guard was down. i had no more walls to protect me. i could not pull myself away from this human being. i let myself feel what i felt. and we kissed. and it was magical. it was the sweetest kiss ive ever had, the sweetest and purest and most comfortable.

it’s been 5 years since that kiss. we’d been apart for almost 4 out of the 5 years. through the trials and tribulations, we’ve kept our passion for each other.

To this patient and beautiful man, i want to say thank you for choosing me. for believing in us. for not giving up on me when i feared. for holding me up when i faltered. for knowing people make mistakes, and for forgiving and moving on. most of all, thank you for loving me the way you do. thank you for being you.

know that you are so precious to me, because you made me open my heart to you.

i love you.


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Posted by on September 15, 2017 in i-Love


if he wanted to be with you, he would

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Posted by on March 19, 2017 in i-Reflect


the everyday love

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Posted by on February 20, 2017 in i-Reflect

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