something happened in July 2010 that awakened me. we probably have different interpretations of what happened. for me, it was the moment i realised i didnt need to dwell anymore. i felt liberated. for the first time in a long time, i felt i could breathe. mistakes made, were but just a fragment of the past. the future was waiting, and i was doing in justice by dwelling.
2 years later i met someone. in the post graduate room in the library. we happened to have lunch breaks at the same time and we both brought food from home. we’d walk down to the benches and have a nice breather and eat our sandwiches. he’d eat a muesli bar and a fruit too. it was nothing, at first. but i enjoyed spending my time with this person. when another friend asked me down for lunch, i’d say that i was waiting for him. “how old are you”, he asked me once. and i wasn’t shy to say i was 31. he was 35 then.
when i realised that he was interested in me, suddenly i felt like i couldnt pull away. i knew i didnt want to be in a relationship. relationships are complicated. made more complicated by me. but i couldnt pull away from him. that night as he drove me back to my place, i sat in the car and took a moment. “what’s going on?” i asked. he said he liked me. i told myself that everything was wrong and that i was a messy person with a messy story. he put his arms over me, and i kept running through my thoughts.
over the week, we continued chatting, as i tried to figure out where my mind and heart was. when the weekend came, we went out to the beach. i remember lying on the sand, watching our first shooting star go by. a dog had broken off its leash and ran towards me. i panicked and turned towards him. i had intended to tell him about my previous relationships in the beach, but i didnt know how to. i wanted to leave, but with his gentle firmness, he said, “tell me”. and i did. with all my nervousness and fear, i told him.
he still has this quality about him. he doesnt react to something that he knows im nervous about. he lets me tell him whatever i’m feeling, whatever i want to say. he let’s me take my time. he let’s me say it, fighting through my fear. he lets me feel safe saying it.
that night at the beach, i still couldn’t bring myself to kiss him. i was doubtful. i had trained myself to not be with any other person. it was a rule i had made for myself. i wasnt sure if i was ready to break it. we hugged when we met. we hugged when we parted.
the next weekend we hung out again. we got off the car and he stuck his hand out. i instinctively grabbed it, not even thinking about it. he had drawn me in, and i didnt even know it. we had dinner at a windy and cold place. i couldn’t finish my salmon dish, he ate some for me. as dinner ended, i wasnt ready to leave him yet. so i suggested we continue chatting, perhaps somewhere like castlehill. he drove us up and we found a place behind some construction tape to sit. we spoke at length about what we were. i remember him saying that if i didnt want to get into this, then i should let him know. i said ok, and sat away from him. i must have looked extremely sad, because he grabbed me soon after and hugged me tight. we continued to talk. and i realised my guard was down. i had no more walls to protect me. i could not pull myself away from this human being. i let myself feel what i felt. and we kissed. and it was magical. it was the sweetest kiss ive ever had, the sweetest and purest and most comfortable.
it’s been 5 years since that kiss. we’d been apart for almost 4 out of the 5 years. through the trials and tribulations, we’ve kept our passion for each other.
To this patient and beautiful man, i want to say thank you for choosing me. for believing in us. for not giving up on me when i feared. for holding me up when i faltered. for knowing people make mistakes, and for forgiving and moving on. most of all, thank you for loving me the way you do. thank you for being you.
know that you are so precious to me, because you made me open my heart to you.
i love you.
“Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?” Danielle LaPorte