so receiving a high distinction for this assignment was supposed to be like such an affirmation. and i was supposed to be happy. except that seeing this comment on my paper just threw me off.

haha! imagine me walking along the pavement back to the library and i speak to the world, “Bloody hell! you comment on MY paper with an EXCLAMATION MARK!!?!??!?!”

and i was at it for a while.

until it struck me. i write comments with a larger font that what was used on mine. i use a pen that is redder than what was used on mine. and for what its worth, i dont just use one exclamation mark. it usually comes in threes, and sometimes mixed with question marks. and sometimes a sad face.

seriously, i want to know how students take it. cos i was never a fantastic student in sch myself and receiving ‘complaints to parents’ was like a usual thing. so i probably never took note of how my teachers’ marking affected me cos i knew i was a terrible student.

but this one was different. i had put in much thought and effort into it. and i feel intelligent enough to say, if you didnt understand what i meant to say, dont say “redundant” and add an exclamation mark! (of course, if the marker didnt understand it, i probably didnt write it well enough)

anyway, i spent a few hours reflecting and laughed with my landlord about it.

funny, the things people remember of their teacher.

one of my students remembers me telling her (and her friend) to leave the classroom cos her friend was talking to her. she’s a good kid. and up till sec 4, she tells me i was terrible to send her out. we laugh at it now, but still, that is still a memory. (at least we worked it out)

i dont know when i got used to exclamation marks. maybe from JC. when seeing exclamation marks were a common thing. it could mean one of 2 things. the answer was terrible, during when we feel like “how the hell do we get it right?!??!!!” or, the answer was fantastic, during when we feel like “i knew i was a genius”

i guess we learnt to not take the exclamation marks personally.

but perhaps doing that to a sec 1 kid, with red ink and large crosses – now i think that must be quite frightening. you have got to understand, for a teacher who has marked 300 scripts with the most kids-say-the-darnest-things kinda answers, after a while, the crosses and comments just get bigger and bigger…

so then who can we do it to? those we have good rapport with, and those whom we think can handle the exclamation marks?

i asked my landlord, “how else can i say what i want to say?”

and she replies, “just write ‘see me’”

now we all know that wont work. tried and tested. i wouldnt. that was how terrible a student i was!

but to be fair to teachers, comments (not derogatory ones) on scripts do establish some sort of a connection. we cant speak to each and every student, but we can write on each and every script. when my JC chem teacher wrote on my scripts, it was as if she was speaking to me. i could hear her scream at me through her comments and exclamation marks. so did my JC math teacher. thats my earliest memory of seeing comments and exclamation marks on my papers and perhaps thats where i learnt it from.

while i think the younger kids may get startled by the big, red, exclamation marks, i think the older students dont really take it personally. or maybe we just got used to it and moved on.

fact is, there’s nothing like positive comments that makes a kid smile (for most of them at least). it always helps to know that someone else thinks that your work was good. at least for me. thats positive affirmation. and i believe that even the most confident of person can crumble if negative comments are consistently make.

so maybe if there’s nothing positive to say abt that script, perhaps its best to leave things unsaid? to be practical, that doesnt  happen. we are most often disappointed if we cant say something positive abt a person’s script. and to convey our disappointment that our individual high expectations a kid isnt met seems to be the way to go. perhaps not the best with exclamation marks, cos that conveys anger more than disappointment. so we got to rethink what we intend to say and what we are actually saying with the exclamation marks.

either way, ive come to the conclusion, after a few hrs of reflection, that i will refrain from using exclamation marks for wrong answers for sec 1 kids. they are still primary sch and i shouldnt scare them at sec 1.

i have also come to the conclusion that i will refrain from using exclamation marks for students whom i know have put in effort. for these students, negative exclamation marks must surely hurt.

and i have come to the conclusion that i shouldnt mark scripts with emotions. cos that translates into marking more aggressively. and pity the kid who gets the biggest cross for a small careless mistake. i plead guilty.

We walk in, tired after 5 hours of shopping but all in a good mood. and my friend points at this purse, white base and colourful flowers in 3-d.

“that’s totally you!”

“ok, im not THAT happy a person” I reply, still laughing at the thought of me carrying that sight of colours.

“what!?!! You are the happiest person I know!” she says.

Struck by that sentence, I turn around.

Read my lips, trace the lines on my face, catch the subtle signs of my body. You will realize that laughing with the world is the one way I can escape the reality of my emotions.

If I may analyse myself, perhaps im over compensating for what’s lacking.

But this pretense is what sees me through sometimes. at the very least, i can smile and laugh with the world when im with the rest of the world. and for that moment, that laughter experienced is still a laughter gained.

the S.S Yongala was a ship that sunk in a cyclone 1911. all 122 people on board died. and was one of australia’s worst tragedies on the sea. perhaps its inappropriate to exclaim that a century later, the life that’s gathered on this shipwreck is amazing. but, it really is. it has the hugest fishes (not including sharks)! i didnt manage to capture them on camera cos they were mostly under/inside the cabins of the ship. and as a piece of protected heritage, divers werent allowed to go inside the wreck or under the wreck. the skipper said, “the bubbles released from divers will accelerate the decay of the wreck”.

here are some of the photographs. i tried to work on the white balance, but im still figuring out what’s wrong and why i still needed to use a flash. it just sucks. David, a renowned photographer from Triggerfish Images was with us on the trip and I DIDNT REALISE IT UNTIL HE SHARED HIS PHOTOGRAPHS ON FB! (can i just kill myself!)

anyway, here are some pics.

a bleached coral… :/

lots of rays! i loved the rays!

here’s one of a marble ray creeping past beside me. i think he just caught a prey!

a pair of eagle rays escaping into a school of fishes

plenty of sea snakes. true sea snakes. those with flattened tail ends. we saw then in mid water, on the surface, on the wreck. one of the snakes even bumped into a diver’s chest! ha..

a few resident turtles…. green turtles and hawksbill!!!

schools of fishes were aplenty!

school of barracudas

school of trevellys

S.S. Yongala was fantastic. though i must admit, i miss asian waters. so many things ive seen in asian waters that i have not seen here… but still, any day diving is still better than not diving. and for that, im grateful for another safe trip. probably wont be having any more trips till the weather warms up, cos its too cold for me now. so….

cheers for now!

Photo courtesy of Alex. 

just wanted to share this poem i came across. i dont read poetry and i cant understand most of it. but this one’s beautiful.

Splendour in the grass

What though was the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
we will grieve not,
Rather find strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
which having must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts
that spring out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In the years that bring the philosophic mind. 

 - William Wordsworth -

ps: not being emo, but after these many yrs of training myself to not expect of others. cos diff ppl have diff agenda and their own rationale and own reasons for their decisions. i cant blame anyone. i wonder why i let myself lapse.

“Political science and philosophy professor Seyla Benhabib told Today in an email that “the good people of Singapore and our colleagues at NUS should rest assured that we do not mean to disrespect their considerable achievements as a society”. 

She added: “But we do have different historical experiences, standards and values when it comes to matters of free speech in and out of the classroom; freedom of assembly; the rights of sexual minorities, the rights of migrants and many other matters.”

…

She felt that the faculty’s vocal stance on the matter exemplified the meaning of “freedom of speech”. “This is our duty as educators; and no one – not even our President – can take away our right to express ourselves and to disagree with official policy. This is what makes Yale what it is,” she said.”

wow…. seriously, some bosses really know that they are talking abt. (unlike some of the bosses i know)

im just really impressed with that this lady said. like really impressed.

but you know, while i cant reply her back in such articulate terms, i dont know why im confident that Father Lee would have been able to.

i guess in that sense, maybe, im still old-school…

you see, she’s right in saying we have had different historical experiences and it is those experiences that have shaped much of our political expectations on “freedom of speech”. it is every human being’s right, but you have to agree that the society has to (1) be mature and responsible in realising that what they say can be detrimental in as diverse a community as ours and (2) be ready to accept a less stable social environment/more political outbursts which may result in total chaos (in some instances).

im not saying our govt is fantastic cos there are so many other issues…

but frankly, at least for me, freedom of speech isnt half as much an issue as is the way we educate students in sch to be exam smart. now that, thats a bigger problem. no leeway for freedom of answers. we teach students exactly what to write, how to write, when to use which key words, heck, we even have model answers for our students just so they can score well in exams. true education? now that is lacking more than freedom of speech.

unlike my mom who, together with her best friend, celebrated the 1 month anniversary of me not being around. kanasai! haha…. was i that terrible? and she has the nerve to tell me what food they were going to have when she knows ive been on sandwiches everyday/everynight! so today is the 2nd month, and i think this weekend, they are going to meet up and ‘celebrate’ again! humph!!!

anyway, i miss going home and shouting “sapudu” which means “eat” in tamil. i should be saying “saapaadu” which means “food”. but that’s just one of the things i do, which my mom then retaliates by sayin, “work, food, work, food” what else does she know?”

i miss calling ‘maaaaaaaaaaam’ and then when she replies, “what?” i say, “nothing”. and i do it again 3 minutes later.

i miss that i always decline eating food/fruits that i dont like to eat (but mom always says “its not abt the taste. its abt its nutritional value”) and while i’m opening my mouth really big to say, “nnoooooo i dont wannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”, she finds the moment approriate to stuff the food/fruit in.

i miss praying at my alter. i miss temples. i miss the smell of sambrani.

i miss the chicken curry she makes. i miss the cod fish sambal she makes.

i miss carrot cake, chicken rice, hokkien mee, rojak, prata, etc i miss the convenience of coffee shops. and i miss bandung and lychee drink. i miss sweet talk! omg i miss ice kachang and i miss honey dew sago. and i miss swenson’s salmon mushroom baked rice!!!

i miss my bed, and the privacy of my room. i miss having my own attached bathroom and i miss not needing to share my bathroom with anyone else.

i miss how convenient it is to not need to plan a time for groceries shopping cos NTUC is still open at 9pm. and even if its closed, the convenience stalls at petrol stations are always open.

i miss watching The Noose, Point of Entry, and i miss watching crime watch. catch up tv isnt available in my region.

i miss singlish. ppl here dont know that our first language is english and they are all appalled at how fluently i speak english. so i explain to them our system and when they ask, “so singaporeans dont have a native language?” i reply, “we do. we call it singlish. its a mixture of english with mandarin, malay, tamil, and bits of other chinese dialects.” but of course, they dont get it. and after a few weeks, i get tired of explaining and i just say, “yes, english is my first language”.

i miss how predictable the traffic lights are. i still havent figured out how they work here. its annoyingly inefficient.

i miss finding dustbins every 50 metres and i miss finding a 7-eleven around the corner/or at least a place where i know i can get something (just for the sake of it.)

i miss the street trees that provide shelter. and i miss that ppl dont look at me weirdly if i use an umbrella for shade instead of shelter from rain.

i miss having lockers in my university. even primary sch classrooms are fitted with lockers. How is it possible that JCU doesn’t have lockers? Seriously?

i miss teaching. i miss interacting with students. although im not particularly missing some of the other shit that came with teaching, i still miss being in a class and educating students. but i absolutely do not miss marking.

i miss having something to do at 8pm cos this place is dead after 700pm.

i miss the fact that i didnt do for the ACRES Animal Welfare Symposium. and i that i missed the crucial nationwide horseshoe crab population and census survey. i miss the stinky muds of kranji mudflats and i miss semakau and chek jawa. and im gonna miss the International Coastal Cleanup this year.

and i absolutely miss not having to explain that not all singaporeans are chinese. haiz…

im not exactly homesick….. we are all grown-ups here and we know what we got into when we decided on this.

but i still miss home.

cos i have like this whole list of things that i would SO love to get, and wouldnt it be nice if i got them as *coughgifts*, say, *coughearlyBirthdayGiftcough*

for example, ive been looking at this hoodie for 2 yrs now, and i really really really really want it…

but you know if thats too expensive, and too much to ask wish for, i’ve been wanting this for a long long long time too…

and then ive been really wanting to get a new dive log book cos ive run out of pages in my previous book. although i do log my dives online, one of the nicest things abt the logbook is to get the DC’s stamp! so…

so here’s the book i’d like to have…

and would like to wear one of these on my dive trips too… you know, it just fits the occasion..

or

i’ll just add the website just in case you know youwanttobuymesomething i cant find it next time…

i need to get a new pair of fins too cos ive been getting blisters but that would require me to personally try on and decide, so i’ll leave it out of this list.

and i also would like to get an underwater housing for TX-10 cos im not happy with the macro function of my current UW cam, but i can adjust the white balance in my TX-10 better.

so anyway, yea… i just had a bit of time so i was wondering abt all the stuff i’d like to get have and wouldnt it be nice….

ps: anyway, just in case you are interested in getting me something out of your very own free will, well, send me a msg so that i can tell you if someone’s already gotten it for me ya… (the SeaShepard hoodie is booked by 2 friends already, so you can skip that one)

i kinda find it highly stressful to introduce myself as a teacher in OZ Land, but its getting increasingly difficult cos ppl start to ask abt how old ppl are and if you are older, then the consequential question is what you have been doing between your undergrad years and postgrad year.

a teacher generally is expected to be decently dressed, well mannered, mature in thinking.

so when a kid (23 yrs old) asks if i can pose in a bikini for his friend who wants to send it as a postcard to another friend, i say, “why would i want to do that, for someone who wants to show off to his friend that he can get girls to pose in bikini?”

he replies, “well, he’s not trying to show off, his friend just likes good looking girls. so, why not?”

well, i could, (and maybe it might be fun for some girls), but i have expectations of myself and i have expectations of how i present myself. and, my students have expectations of how their ex-teacher presents herself. and so do their parents.

i reckon it IS my personal life and i can do whatever i want. and quite frankly, it is none of my students’/parents’ business what i do with myself outside of school hours, but, being a teacher does mean something to me. and if i have expectations of my students’ behaviour, then i expect myself to be a role model, if not, at least not an embarrassment.

im not saying that being in a bikini is wrong. it isnt. but the context in this case is just plain demeaning. what kind of a girl would do suck a thing for a stranger? would my students want ‘that kind of a girl’ to be their teacher? would ‘that kind of a girl’ have any rights to give advice to student on behaviour?

so the guy and i continue chatting (cos its a really long walk to the busstop – it took us 1.25hrs of brisk walking. ps: thats how sucky the bus services are here.), and the conversation led to “what i did before i started on my postgrad” and i confessed that i was a teacher. and suddenly he stopped trying to convince me to pose. perhaps he realised where my principles came from. perhaps he thought teachers were conservative. i dont know.

i think anywhere in society, anywhere in the world, teachers carry alot of value. teachers are not perfect. i know teachers who smoke, i know those who drink to get drunk, teachers with personal anger management issues and i suppose there are teachers who have affairs and other vices. teachers were once teenagers too, and like all teenagers, must have had to go through a phase in their lives where they had to discover who they were, make mistakes, learn and eventually grow. but, like i said, while the personal life of teachers is not the business of anyone in school, i still believe that the best form of education comes in the form of being a mentor and a guide. these experiences makes a person less narrow minded and it helps in educating the younger generation. and i believe all the teachers who stay as teachers have their own values systems which they believe is true. and those who dont, dont stay in the service for long (that of course is just a subset, cos there are many other reasons why ppl leave).

im glad i find value in being a teacher. and through all the confusion i had at the beginning of this year: (ie: “i was a teacher” vs “i am a teacher”), i feel that a teacher is not called a teacher by profession. a teacher is just someone who can educate the younger generation and guide them to be better people as they grow older. perhaps even teach them values that they may use to formulate their own principles. who in turn will influence others. i might not be a teacher next time, but, the fact that i was once a teacher means that i do have expectations of myself, ethically and morally.

my principles, well, took me a long time to formulate (and i got to thank the person who brought me through it) but, i know what i am and i know who i am. and being a teacher just reinforced what i want to be remembered as.

i am a teacher.