the celebration that marked the ending of my sec sch

its kinda nostalgic…. its near KSS grad night, once again. this yr, my babies  + remaining sec 5s will definitely create havoc and make it known to the world that they rule… haha… i definitely hope they do!

for some reason, this year, im thinking back on my own sec sch grad night. it was the first time we ever wore something so formal/seductive/sexy/classy….. and we did it for ourselves. not for any boy to look, but for ourselves. (we came from a girls’ sch anyway… so its not like we had a choice!)

i remember going out with my friends to shop for that perfect little black dress or the other perfect little black dress. at that time, all we ever knew was that ‘girls wear little black dresses to prom’

and so i did…. it was a really nice black dress, and i added on dangling earrings. wore a nice pair of heels, which i bought just for that occasion. wore make up – which i fear if i ever see the pics, i might freak myself out! (no lah, i wasnt that hideous -  i thought i looked nice)

dad sent my friend and me to that venue. Balmoral club or country club or something… that night, there were coloured lights decorating the blue building. my friend and i felt nervous as we stepped out of the car. but once we saw our friends, all we could talk abt was …….. well, what else, but each other’s little black dresses for that night.. those bare backs, or the spagetti straps or how short those skirts were.. we were 16/17.. what do you expect?

somewhere along the night, i kinda felt a little odd. its a sinking feeling i sometimes get when im in a party or function, when i feel i dont quite belong. or would just prefer to be anti-social in a setting which doesnt allow anti-socialism.

anyway, lucky draws and nice food and prom queen (remember, i came from a girls’ sch) were over..

soon enough we reached the end of the session. we stood up to sing some songs. and the one i remember the most was one of my favourite songs then. “Friends” by Michael W Smith.

by now, it’s probably a common prom night song. to say that friends will last forever. truth is, of all the friends i made in sec sch, ive lost contact with most of them. majority of them. fact is that we all move on to JC/Poly and meet more friends with similar interests and maturity. soon enough, went to NUS where sec sch friends just seemed too distant.

some of my friends now do keep in touch with some of their sec sch mates. and i guess, true friendship does withstand the test of time.

so anyway, we stood around our tables, hands over each others shoulders and waists, swinging left to right, we sang the song “Friends” with so much passion and conviction, i was sure that we would be FRIENDS FOREVER even if we went to different JC/Polys. haha…

its kind of a bitter-sweet moment for me to think that my babies will probably keep in touch with their classmates longer than i did. simply because technology allows them to remember each other. once they are on each others FB, you’ll always be in contact. and thats the beauty of it all. you dont have to call each other to meet up, just as long as you get each others newsfeed on FB, you become part of their lives.

as my babies move on, celebrating the end of their sec sch life, i hope they become gentlemen who care for and make good decisions. i hope they become confident ladies who are sure of themselves and their self-worth. i hope they make an impact on the lives of others and those they’ll work with in the future.

its been a 5-yr roller coaster ride with them. too many ups and downs, multiple disappointments, and just as many joyous moments where i felt proud of them. i cried over them and i showed them off. and i remember im always cursing and swearing at them.

me: i hate them! idiots!
everyone else: no you dont.
me: i do! they are such big idiots! all no brains one. idiots!
everyone else: thats what you say, but you love them..
me: argh! idiots! im not going to call them babies anymore. they will be called idiots! idiots!

and then i’ll think of what to get them as gifts and cards and photos and etc. i contradict myself. i honestly think im bipolar when it comes to my babies.. haha….

they have made me the most upset, but they are also the ones who put the biggest smile on my face..

they are all good kids, and i know they’ll make it somewhere someday. while i hope they remember me, i know i’d have just played a small part in their growing up years, just as my teachers did, just a small part in my whole life. ive moved on, just as my babies will move on. and i hope that they have made great memories of their sec sch to tell their friends 20 -30 yrs later, tell their grandkids with a smile on their faces 50 yrs later. i hope they’ll remember kss and their teachers as having made a difference to their 5 yrs in sec sch.

goodbye babies!

 

my last O level paper

so the bio MCQs ended today…. i was quite looking forward to it, with KS and i saying that exactly 2.31pm today, we’ll celebrate having gotten rid of all our classes….

it was time for the kids to go into the hall and i remember MC saying “last paper everyone, all the best!” and the kids cheered.

they walked in and sat down. the place was silent. i turned back and all the other teachers who had come to support the kids had left… but i stood there still, watching the CPE give instructions…

the group of students ive taught for 5 yrs – i wont be teaching them anymore. no more lessons. no more IP. no more scolding. no more nagging. i wouldnt say its separation anxiety. thats way too deep a metaphor to use. but yes, it did feel sort of like “parent-sending-her kid-away-after-marriage”. i mean, it is a happy feeling to send your kids in for the last paper. but it is also a little sad.

i actually sort of feel like i just sat for MY last paper. once its over, suddenly you just stand there, lost for a few minutes. unaware of your next job (which of course is still many, but at that time, you get aimless).

“what now?” my mind asks.

“monday got sec 3s. after that, im done teaching for the year” my mind replies.

ive met the new HOD and im handing over my duties. i think i will have my well needed break in dec. because in jan, im going to be a mentor of a childish class of 40 students. and i wont have the luxury of telling someone to get something done and see it get done asap. i wont have the luxury of emotional blackmail on those kids. i wont have the luxury of having a mentor class of less than 31 students. i wont have the luxury of scolding them in any way i want. i wont have the luxury of easily sms-ing parents and vice versa. i wont have the luxury of already having great rapport with them. i wont have the luxury of not having to learn so many names. and i wont have the luxury of talking sense.. i have to go back to discipling kids. basically, i have to start working as a mentor again. haha…

oh well… in any case, i wont follow up that class in 2012. but seriously, i have forgotten how to mentor a sec 1 class… childish kids.. ugh.. but what does it matter – they arent my babies…..

honestly, the thought of it makes me shierk…

“come on girl! be professional”

so……. thats what the last O level papers means to me… in another 10 days, they will be having their first prom night. and then the next time i see them will be for their O level results. so……… errrrr……. to say i’ll miss them will be an understatement. but im sure i can manage.

my class australian flag still stands.. it wont be there next yr when some other class takes over my classroom. but for almost the entire year, that flag has been an icon of the classroom block. that flag has been a symbol of team work and togetherness – i guess it will be too much to ask for that flag to remain there forever when it isnt YOG yr next yr isnt it..

anyway, this post is becoming draggy and the mention of the aussie flag is kinda depressing. maybe my babies should take it down themselves so that i wont have a depressing heart attack when i dont see that flag there next yr.. SIGH…………. BIG SIGH…..

haiz…..

 

fear, hope, love

“our perceptions are always clouded by what we fear, what we hope and what we love.”

is it ok to say that sometimes the more we expect, the more disappointed we get. this year, has already had its great ups and great downs. and im only half way through it.

2010  has taught me so many things, my thought processes are almost entirely different from when i first started teaching in 2006.

in 2006, i was one of those newbie teachers who wanted to make a difference in as many students’  life as possible. i made the effort to remember the names of ALL my students in ALL my 6 sec 1 classes and my 1 sec 2 class.

after 3 yrs, even with only 2 sec 1 classes i didnt bother remembering their names. i figured, im not going to teach most of these students in upper sec cos not many of them take bio anyway and i probably wont have much to do with them.

after 5 yrs, i understood that kids will be kids. and no matter how much i love them and try to get them to know and do whats right, kids will still be kids.

afterall, i might say that i only started doing things right when i was in…………. well………… im still learning to do things right……..

so, while im wondering why im expecting my babies to be perfect, why cant i let them grow at their own pace? why the need to protect them or prevent them doing wrong? whats the urgency to do whatever i can do make sure they are the best they can be?

why did i allow it to become so personal that when they do something wrong, i feel it became a reflection of how ive taught them. (i actually feel very dejected)

my teachers didnt really bother to see whether i grew to be a nice person. they just made sure they did what they could with the time they had to teach me.

so this new generation of teachers who want to make a difference, or do something abt character education or personal growth…….. where do they stand?

my teachers never had students with them past 6pm. we do.
my teachers never photocopied stacks of past yr papers. we do.
my teachers never spent hours talking to us abt why we shouldnt do certain things. we do.
my teachers never tried to develop as many leaders as possible. we do.

but we still turned out just as fine. because we learnt somehow and made it.

why has the responsibility of student learning shifted from students to teachers? why do teachers have to work as if the results that the students get are actually their own examination results? it’s their O levels, not mine. and yet, each year, it feels like as if i’m getting my O level results.

i shouldnt compare. afterall, generations and idealogies are different.

but sometimes it makes me wonder why i am doing so much. why i feel like i have to do so much.

so you can imagine my disappointment over the prelim papers.

i had this great vision of wanting to scold them after their mcq paper. but, on that day of their last prelim papers, it occured to me: “why bother? they are nice kids. they are old enough. and they do want to study. they just didnt think it was impt enough to study for the first prelims. so, why scold?”

my only concern is that if they start revision late, they might not get as fantastic a result as they may get if they use every possible test/exam as a platform to assess their standards. but again, thats their choice isnt it? in the end, i have no doubt that they will make it. and how well they make it or how much better they could have made it if they started studying earlier is really their choice.

realisation isnt about doing what the teacher tells them to. its abt knowing what you want and what you have to do to get it. its abt believing that a change is needed.

and some of them still dont understand the depth of what i said, when i was almost in tears a few months back.

so why this post now? because i thought i was over the disappointment. but today, when i walked into class, i realised i couldnt face them. i was lost for words. i saw KW scolding her class. but i couldnt do that to mine. i just couldnt find the words to say. and thats when i realised how much i was disappointed and how much that disappointment had impacted me. telling them that i was disappointed would have opened the flood gates in my eyes.

i turned to face the board, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. and i told myself, “i’ve always wanted the best for them. and i think i’ve done everything i could to give them the best.”

i guess maybe my best wasnt good enough.

sometimes when you expect so much, put in so much of effort in coming up with an original an exam paper, challenge your students into satisfactorily completing your paper – and you see that they couldnt even answer the simplest questions, you wonder why you even bothered to put in so much of effort into doing the paper. you might as well have picked questions from past year papers and submitted that as the prelim papers. it wouldnt have mattered anyway.

so, while i still love them, ive understood that kids will still be kids. and when they do succeed, its because they made the choice to do what they need to do to succeed. and they will make it. that much i know.

but whether they reach my expectations, i understand now that i shouldnt take it so personally. and my expectations shouldnt have to be their targets.

have i failed?

through the eyes of a teacher who wanted to create a legacy of a class…………….

 

entering semester 2

the last 2 months have been crazy. the number of posts should tell you how much i havent felt like blogging.

entering semester 2 is hard. for teachers who get these june/dec hols, getting your engine working again is like one of the most dreadful matters in the whole wide world.

haha…

anyway, prelims start on monday and while the sec 4/5s are having exams, the sec 1-3s are having lessons.

im excited in a way abt sem 2. in 10 wks time term 3 ends and term 4 is just a short term, so that marks the next yr of yet another year. ive got another few months to make the changes i wish to make in my department. afterwhich, i may choose not to continue on this track.

the end of this yr also means that im finally saying goodbye to my babies. its been 5 yrs. they’ve grown up. and apart from a few minor issues here and there, i’d say they’ve grown to be nice kids. and they’ll mature even more after they leave sec sch.

when i hear ppl say that the sec 5s are different unlike other years. and that the sec 5s are not worrisome, it makes me really happy. being part of the sec 5s for 5 yrs really does create a feeling. 2011 will not be the same without my babies. 1G to 5A. pity my 2011 form class. i will still be the best i can be, but they will still not be my babies..  haha…

anyway, ive got a few things coming up in sem 2 that i hope i will be able to complete successfully. read more of the publications that ive left out for 2 mths.. and get through sem 2.. with all the intense revisions for Ns and Os. and then EOYs.

but for the short term, i sure hope i can sustain twice daily matches for another 10 days….

back to match…

 

T2W6 updates

havent had the mood to blog for a while. since i started blogging again, there was never a time when i stayed away for 5 days… after much thoughts, im trying to write abt last week’s updates………..

it might have been one of the saddest week since……….. i dont know. since maybe never.

the incident seems to have left a long lasting hole in my heart. but to be frank, i dont know why. was it their mistake… was it not their mistake….

i pondered and pondered. and as i write out the many (over 15)questions i have in my mind, im choosing to erase them from this post, because……. just because ppl dont need to know how i feel abt this.

case closed.

issue came abt on tuesday. and after sporadic crying episodes and other intense case-related activities from tues to thurs, my body finally caved in to a viral attack. on thurs, i thought i could hold it out until friday, but, i just couldnt hold on…

took an mc after 4 yrs of 100% attendance. i really would have liked to keep that track record going. so you can imagine how much it must have taken for me to get that mc.

consequently, i missed S and W’s outstanding st leader award presentation. i really wanted to be there, but maybe it wouldnt have made much of a difference anyway. but hey, as long as they are happy…. im sure their parents are. and im sure they’ll know how to honour the award that most ppl never recieve all their life..

i never recieved such an award in my life. why, i was never even considered being nominated. so, these kids have already achieved something ive never gotten…. bless them…

the flu virus was a blessing in disguise. i was left with no energy, spend fri and sat just lying on my sofa, watching tv. with occasional tear drops cos my body was just too warm and i hadnt felt that weak in many yrs. sunday was better. at least ppl in the house could hear me talk. and that was signal enough for my mom to start complaining that i havent been helping around with the chores.. i was sick mom… but hey, what can i say. she’s my mom and i still love her unconditionally…

i gtg now. its 1 am. and i best be sleeping. shouldnt strain this body anymore… i guess i’ll go back to writing abt the interesting bio related stuff that i have saved in my drafts, but have just no time to read…. soon…

 

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T1W5 roundup

1) simple gestures

maybe they dont really understand why i felt that way. why i complained nagged. whined. maybe i cant expect them to understand. to them, maybe im not part of that family yet. and i cant expect to be either…

or maybe like what SL said, they just dont realise…

it is like, when you go shopping and you pass by anything that resembles a cat, you’ll think of KW. or you see precious moments stuff and you think of whether you want to buy for someone…. or you see mickey mouse and you think of JL..

its the small gestures….. but, perhaps, reasons are a little hard to understand for their age. and too high for me to expect… whatever it is, ppl mature at different times. maybe someday, they’ll realise… and when they do, it still doesnt matter, because im just another stepping stone in life… as are many other ppl…

anyhow, i was touched by what they did. because it was done over 4 floors, and rehearsed with ppl were still around… it must have been embarassing for them, and they were still willing to do it…

…

but to me, im still happy with them. im still proud of them. i still show them off to other classes. and i make sure everyone else knows who they are and what they mean to me.

so when someone from somewhere else, out of nowhere, comes to me to say, “No wonder you are proud of your class”, i tell them, “of course, they are the best class ever.” regardless of whether they made me sad or disappointed sometimes.. they are still the ones who make me the happiest.

it’s like, no matter what wrong they do. or how they have misunderstood me, to me, they are still a group of very good students who have the potential to be even better than me someday….

i hope they reach that level one day… i hope everyone else looks up to ppl in my class like how that other person did, when he said, “no wonder you are proud of your class”. i hope, they will be fantastic role models. i hope, they will create a mark for themselves. to be spoken of as the best NA class to be taught ever in kss…

2) leadership lessons learnt from students

its amazing what self-realisation and ownership does to your confidence level. when you reach the point where you just cannot take nonsense, it takes a man to stand up and confront ppl.

as i was sharing with a colleague, taking on a higher role means you have to rise up to the challenge. you may be doing fine being in a lower position, but when you reach a higher position, you have to change your perceptions and take on the job with ownership.

if you feel something has to be done, it doesnt matter what others think of you.

as a principal, you cannot be asking ppl for favours. if you feel its right, and you want it to be done, you must have a certain level of authority to ensure that ppl under you get things done, regardless of whether they like doing it.

maybe its a hard stance, but, ive come to realise that asking friends for favours to complete a job wont always work. and a person at a certain level, cannot be begging ppl to do things for them. imagine LKY begging his ministers to complete the job. it just wont work that way.

a leader must have his own directions and beliefs and the capability to convince his members that his beliefs are worth the effort.

im still learning.

3) TGIF

on another note, reaching friday everyweek makes me feel like ive accomplished a feat. like i conquered a war week. TGIF takes on a whole new meaning this year.

Peace. Out.

 

I Love-Hate my babies

i wish i could say they are all a bunch of goon-du-fied irritants…

sigh… emo session yesterday and today, was like… expected for students. but, i didnt expect to feel the way i felt. not when they were feeling emo. but when the trainers were trying to break them.

even i never scolded my babies in that manner. even their parents never used those words to scold them. what gave them the right to scold my babies that way in such a demeaning manner? 

i tried to wipe my tears before any student saw. KS tried to cover my face with an A4 paper. but, dont how whoever saw, when the group was dismissed for break, some of them immediately came up to me to ask why i cried.stunned, i turned to KS, who conveniently left me to get interrogated by my babies. i explained to them. i couldnt stand seeing my confident and daring babies, being slaughted by the trainer. well, regardless of the rationale, i guess there’d be other ways to make ppl realise right…

anyway, as sweet as that was. the same goon-du-fied irritant who asked me why i cried, also said that disturbing and bullying me was a way of releasing stress. FINE!

i hope all my babies learnt some things over the last 3 days. study skills, determination, persistence, motivation, chihuahua dance, and the meaning of HUNGER. i hope all my babies will remember this as part of a changing moment. years from now, they’d all be great ppl anyway. but you cant deny the emotions you felt over the last few days. and you cant deny that you love your parents as much as they love you. remember, you are fortunate to be here because of your parents.

and,

Thank you MT for voicing out that i was equivalent to a second mother. i was around by the time you spoke.

Thank you RK for wanting to say i was like a second mother. im sry i wasnt around when you spoke.

Thank you everyone who ambushed me into a group hug.

Thank you SR for waiting to see if i was going to cry. (ive got too much ego, to cry in front of students)

Thank you everyone else who said thank you to me.

Thank you parents who came to shake my hands and say thank you. this relationship couldnt have been possible without parental support.

and with this, i realised, how much i need to dedicate a new category for my babies… when i was trying not to do so for a few yrs… i think its time.

new category: my-Babies.