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Category Archives: i-Typical

i should draw up my bucket list too!

look at his!

but of course in saying so, i will procrastinate and decide that i will think about it later, on a date to be confirmed. ;p

for now, im back to my report… laters!

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2013 in i-Typical

 

believe me, i try so hard

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it doesnt work, but i still keep reminding myself.

2 months left and i cant deny that sometimes i wonder how simpler it would have been if i had said “No”. Life seemed easy then. i dont know how others do it. im probably more messed up than i think i am… but i also know what i need for this to work, and im not sure im going to get that.

“but things might be perfect” so, i shall wait and let the future unfold itself. the past taught me alot of lessons. i am still learning from the present. maybe it will be perfect, maybe it wont. at least im giving it a chance.

 
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Posted by on May 5, 2013 in i-Love, i-Typical, i-Wish

 

i miss smiling

i still do, but i miss smiling without weight on my shoulders or worry on my mind. its been a while. the last time must be back in late september when i decided to go ahead with something i thought i’d never do. this week’s been tough. but it could have been tougher. im still alive and no one i know is dead. so come what may, im going to pick myself up and ease up on the pressure i’m putting on myself. studies, expenses. cos, i should be enjoying my final semester before starting work. and feeling overly disappointed in myself and over stressing abt not being the best is not how i want to remember the final semester. let’s go girl!

 
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Posted by on May 3, 2013 in i-Typical

 

dear stars in the night sky

take me with you

take me to the quiet of Space

where my silence is unconditionally accepted

take me to the seat on the moon

where i can spend the night watching waves crash

take me to the vast nothingness

where i can embrace the cold and feel its warmth

take me with you

to a place where i have no desires and hopes and emotions

to a place where it is perfectly acceptable to become numb

Dear Stars in the Night Sky,

take me with you

somewhere, anywhere

 
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Posted by on April 27, 2013 in i-Typical, i-Wish

 

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Posted by on March 30, 2013 in i-Typical, i-Wish

 
Image

the truth behind our fears

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Posted by on March 28, 2013 in i-Typical

 

left wanting

had a long chat with my landlord last night when she figured she’s stuffing all the chocolate into her body cos nothing she’s eating is satisfying her and that she’s left wanting something – and that thing was cigarettes…. apparently, its been 5 yrs since she stopped, and everytime she feels the urge, she pops in food.

i went to bed last night realising that must be why im feeling so unsatisfied. not the cigarette, but the feeling of wanting something. ive been arguing with myself for pretty much the last 3 weeks, with incidents this week clogging up my emotions and my brains telling me to just shut up.

i told my landlord that im quite the opposite of her. she pours her troubles to everyone and anyone. i, over the years, have learnt that ppl dont really care (unless they are your family) and dont really want to hear your troubles cos they have their own shit to handle. and so i tend not to talk abt stuff that bothers me and have evolved to deal with my emotions myself. for the most part, if i dont talk abt it, it will slowly go away and it’ll almost be like it never happened. most theoretical ppl will say thats unhealthy. but it works for me. because at one point in time, almost every feeling i had was questioned or deemed wrong and i became apologetic for the way i felt. i know i have every right to feel how i feel, but its probably wrong and i rather keep quiet instead of say something i shouldnt have said and hurt another person.

but i woke up this morning feeling like i want to throw a tantrum. but im an adult, so i will just hit the roads for a run this evening and wait for this to blow over. cos much of this is baseless. and i probably shouldnt be feeling the way im feeling anyway.

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#cravingforalonghug

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2013 in i-Typical

 

on days when im in my brain too much

 

lie on your back, close your eyes, breathe in deep, hold your breath for as long as you can, breathe out.

ps: effective most at max volume

 
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Posted by on March 20, 2013 in i-Typical

 

the “6 week – 8 days in Singapore” update

so, im off in a few hrs for a massive 3 week trip. its the biggest trip ive planned, bringing 3 other people with me, i feel like im a teacher responsible for a bunch of kids on an overseas trip. haha… i think ive covered almost every aspect of what i’d need to do with my kids:

1) briefing with stakeholders family members
2) personalised file complete with trip itinerary (with timing, accommodation, telephone numbers of accommodation, checkpoints if group is split) + flight tix + road trip route
3) photocopies of passport
4) budget and total cost
5) did a brief risk assessment (noted areas of pit stops and nearest medical services)

the one thing i didnt do, is to issue acknowledgement forms and indemnity forms! LOL! i will enjoy the trip, but, having to be the IC of a trip shoulders extra burden. and one of the most impt parts of travelling should be that each person is independent and capable of taking care of themselves. so… this trip does make me feel a little like teacher-in-charge kinda thing. haha.. gonna be a nightly brief on the next day’s agenda, and giving instructions on getting up and leaving and packing and stuff. urgh..

anyway, time flew in the “6 weeks – 8 days” that i was in SG. had good time mtg up with friends and ex students. perhaps one of the few times over the many years that i feel like i am also moving forward, just as the students were. doing my thing, discovering myself, experiencing the world. my first batch of sec 1 kids are now 19 yrs old. my oldest ex student is now 22 yrs old. i obviously cant say im still 21yrs old ya? haha…

i went back to kss for N level and O level results, and met with colleagues too. had a good chat with Uncle Chandra, standing with him at the security post for 45 min! haha. he’s a well wisher and i am glad we kept in touch. seeing the staffroom brought back bitter sweet memories actually. i hated the agenda-driven atmosphere that the sch had become over the last few yrs. but, i really miss the camaraderie among the colleagues. i miss standing infront of ppl and giving instructions. i miss organising and planning and most of all i miss my students and i miss being with students. but i will be posted to a different sch next yr and have chosen not to request any particular school. i just hope they dont post me to a place where i have to get stuck in a traffic jam every morning and evening!

one of my friends has gone to HK for work on a 2 yr contract. im starting to get the hang of ppl leaving me. i think ive started to understand that it is not me they are leaving. and that everyone has their own agenda and purpose and hopes in life that they want to fulfil. so, im treasuring the moments i have with them while they are with me. someone once told me long long ago, that “friends are like waves, they come and go”. well… maybe they do…

surprisingly, i didnt eat as much food as i thought i was going to gorge up. didnt realise how much aversion i have towards oily stuff now. i think once you’ve seen what a reduction in oily food does to your body, you just dont want to go back to that old lifestyle. mostly stopped potato chips. i didnt even feel like having the hot n spicy calbee potato chips that my bro illegally bought and hid in my room (cos my mom hates me eating salty food). fast food doesnt interest me as much. so im much healthier now. i wish i toned up more, but, well, my workouts werent that intense.

most of my “6 weeks – 8 days” also went to completing 1 report and writing 2 new reports. setting my deadline to be today, i must say i didnt think i’d actually make it. well, i didnt actually make it, but im close to having it done. and will be finished over the next 2 weeks. i think i learnt alot abt report writing and i think learning is what is most impt when it comes to education. :)

of course i managed to find time for my horseshoe crabbies… :D went for both the sessions for the period that i was in SG and i miss the mudflats, i miss the stench! i miss having my brain blank for the few hrs… haha!!! i love my horseshoe crabs!!!! :D

on another note, things fell right back to its usual state at home (usual state = well…. depressive state) its been a little weird at home though, feels like im keeping things away. not that i usually tell them everything either, but i feel they arent ready to hear what i might be thinking. perhaps quite selfish of me. but…. they do matter to me, and i hope they will one day be ready to accept that i may or may not stay in teaching, or that i may or may not decide to stay in singapore to work, or that i may or may not choose to spend a little more time overseas, or that i may or may not get married, but that i AM happy to be living in the moment…… i just need them to understand that i want to keep my options open and that i will cross the bridge when i get to it. as much as i understand that they want to see me settle down and get married and have kids. but…. the rest of my life is abt me and i dont want to do something just to make them happy and then feel like im stuck in that position long after they have passed on…

so, im off tmr for one of the biggest trips and after that im running straight back to The SB in the GhostTown… <3 9 weeks apart was sad, i cant imagine being apart for 52 weeks…… :/

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2013 in i-Reflect, i-Typical

 

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Posted by on January 16, 2013 in i-Typical

 
 
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