i hope kids grow up to put their abusive past behind them. but the reality is, the past will always be a part of why you become what you are today. whether its good or bad.
Category Archives: i-Reflect
you have to protect yourself
“…left over when we finally decided to smash all the things we thought we used to be.
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, well, get a better mirror,
look a little closer, stare a little longer,
cos there’s something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart inside of yourself
decided they were wrong.
cos how can you hold your ground if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong
they have to be wrong.
why else, would we still be here?”
that reflection in the mirror was a hard thing to see for many years. i used to describe myself in the worst possible manner looking at the reflection so that when i got called names, it wouldnt hurt as bad. pointed to the reflection and said things abt it everyday until i started believing it. and then i started to look away because i believed the reflection i saw was a bitch. those were the days i’d brush my teeth or wash my face without seeing the mirror cos the only voices i heard were of those telling me that i was no where near good enough and that i was a pathetic lowlife and absolutely worthless and useless..
i have come a long way. i dont ever want to feel that way abt myself again. wont allow myself to be that person again. it was a big struggle to switch and learn to see the positive side of me. at mid-life, i had learnt that someone’s perception of me does not define who i am or what im capable of. likewise, my perception of others.
people make mistakes. and its ok to make mistakes. thats how we learn. thats how we become who we are. thats how we know what we want to be. its been a long journey, but, ive learnt so much over the years and i’m happy with they way i am now. i’m ok with being me now. even if that is not good enough for others. i am good enough for me.
the non-good person i see
but then again, everyone’s imperfect in some ways. i recognize my strengths, i recognize my weaknesses. i am who i am.
the “6 week – 8 days in Singapore” update
so, im off in a few hrs for a massive 3 week trip. its the biggest trip ive planned, bringing 3 other people with me, i feel like im a teacher responsible for a bunch of kids on an overseas trip. haha… i think ive covered almost every aspect of what i’d need to do with my kids:
1) briefing with stakeholders family members
2) personalised file complete with trip itinerary (with timing, accommodation, telephone numbers of accommodation, checkpoints if group is split) + flight tix + road trip route
3) photocopies of passport
4) budget and total cost
5) did a brief risk assessment (noted areas of pit stops and nearest medical services)
the one thing i didnt do, is to issue acknowledgement forms and indemnity forms! LOL! i will enjoy the trip, but, having to be the IC of a trip shoulders extra burden. and one of the most impt parts of travelling should be that each person is independent and capable of taking care of themselves. so… this trip does make me feel a little like teacher-in-charge kinda thing. haha.. gonna be a nightly brief on the next day’s agenda, and giving instructions on getting up and leaving and packing and stuff. urgh..
anyway, time flew in the “6 weeks – 8 days” that i was in SG. had good time mtg up with friends and ex students. perhaps one of the few times over the many years that i feel like i am also moving forward, just as the students were. doing my thing, discovering myself, experiencing the world. my first batch of sec 1 kids are now 19 yrs old. my oldest ex student is now 22 yrs old. i obviously cant say im still 21yrs old ya? haha…
i went back to kss for N level and O level results, and met with colleagues too. had a good chat with Uncle Chandra, standing with him at the security post for 45 min! haha. he’s a well wisher and i am glad we kept in touch. seeing the staffroom brought back bitter sweet memories actually. i hated the agenda-driven atmosphere that the sch had become over the last few yrs. but, i really miss the camaraderie among the colleagues. i miss standing infront of ppl and giving instructions. i miss organising and planning and most of all i miss my students and i miss being with students. but i will be posted to a different sch next yr and have chosen not to request any particular school. i just hope they dont post me to a place where i have to get stuck in a traffic jam every morning and evening!
one of my friends has gone to HK for work on a 2 yr contract. im starting to get the hang of ppl leaving me. i think ive started to understand that it is not me they are leaving. and that everyone has their own agenda and purpose and hopes in life that they want to fulfil. so, im treasuring the moments i have with them while they are with me. someone once told me long long ago, that “friends are like waves, they come and go”. well… maybe they do…
surprisingly, i didnt eat as much food as i thought i was going to gorge up. didnt realise how much aversion i have towards oily stuff now. i think once you’ve seen what a reduction in oily food does to your body, you just dont want to go back to that old lifestyle. mostly stopped potato chips. i didnt even feel like having the hot n spicy calbee potato chips that my bro illegally bought and hid in my room (cos my mom hates me eating salty food). fast food doesnt interest me as much. so im much healthier now. i wish i toned up more, but, well, my workouts werent that intense.
most of my “6 weeks – 8 days” also went to completing 1 report and writing 2 new reports. setting my deadline to be today, i must say i didnt think i’d actually make it. well, i didnt actually make it, but im close to having it done. and will be finished over the next 2 weeks. i think i learnt alot abt report writing and i think learning is what is most impt when it comes to education. 
of course i managed to find time for my horseshoe crabbies… 
went for both the sessions for the period that i was in SG and i miss the mudflats, i miss the stench! i miss having my brain blank for the few hrs… haha!!! i love my horseshoe crabs!!!!
on another note, things fell right back to its usual state at home (usual state = well…. depressive state) its been a little weird at home though, feels like im keeping things away. not that i usually tell them everything either, but i feel they arent ready to hear what i might be thinking. perhaps quite selfish of me. but…. they do matter to me, and i hope they will one day be ready to accept that i may or may not stay in teaching, or that i may or may not decide to stay in singapore to work, or that i may or may not choose to spend a little more time overseas, or that i may or may not get married, but that i AM happy to be living in the moment…… i just need them to understand that i want to keep my options open and that i will cross the bridge when i get to it. as much as i understand that they want to see me settle down and get married and have kids. but…. the rest of my life is abt me and i dont want to do something just to make them happy and then feel like im stuck in that position long after they have passed on…
so, im off tmr for one of the biggest trips and after that im running straight back to The SB in the GhostTown… <3 9 weeks apart was sad, i cant imagine being apart for 52 weeks…… :/
the materialistic us
from river water to tap water to bottled mineral water
from hats to sunglasses to branded sunglasses
from haversacks to handbags to branded bags
from hawker food to restaurant food to high teas and hotel dinners
from today’s mobile phone to tomorrow’s mobile phone
from motorbike to car to a high-end car
from local holidays to overseas holidays to overseas holidays in expensive countries
from playing with marbles to playing tennis to playing golf
when is it enough?
sometimes the more extravagant you go, the more you miss out on the simple pleasures of life.
Reactive vs Preventive
So, India has decided to name and shame the rapists. i guess its something any court is allowed to do when giving press statements. perhaps except when the victim is a minor?
but, i dont quite see the purpose in releasing addresses of the rapists. given the intensity of protests going on now, im pretty sure the famillies of these rapists are going to be tormented by members of the public. In an unforgiving culture where families are shamed the misdeeds of family members. i wont be surprised if we hear news of some of those family members committing suicide.
then again, naming the rapists would alert friends who know where they live anyway and that information will spread regardless of whether the Media publishes their addresses.
its a sad case and i just wish the govt will focus on proactive measures on protecting the rights of public who stand up against such bullies. maybe ppl who do stand up against these social bullies get whacked themselves (like we see in Indian movies) and maybe thats why ppl generally dont want to get involved in any such issues. there’s so much to be done, in such a big country. its hard to expect a population of billions to follow rules like the majority of us in SG do. we are small, and have been trained to obey or be charged. it will take decades of a consistent govt to reinforce regulations without bias to change things in India.
but hopefully it will.
is it more important for a leader to be morally upright or be efficient in his role as the leader?
i feel quite sad for MP Michael Palmer – his private life was exposed and he kinda had to resign. the mistress’s name was publicised and she resigned too. not saying that what he did was right. for ppl who feel affairs are wrong, he obviously made a wrong judgement call. so many ppl have affairs. why is it that a leader having an affair is more wrong than a layman having an affair? the comparison itself doesnt seem to be grounded on moral values. such a distinction is based on public appearance, which itself is faulty, dont you think?
i asked my friends this the other day, and as teachers, of course this is put in the context of a school system, and one of my friends said, “of course lah. a principal having an affair is worse than a teacher having an affair right?”
and i said, “one’s not worse than the other, they are both wrong”
how is it right that consequences of an immoral mistake differs with regards to the professional standing of an individual? that means that consequences vary according to the perspective of the person assessing the case. that introduces too much personal judgement.. no?
that said, personal life and professional life shouldnt be mixed.
although if a person is immoral, he’ll probably be immoral in most aspects of his life. (maybe thats why he had to resign?)
the positivity that positive ppl exude
i must have mentioned my ex-landlords a few times on my blog. i can never say how much of a blessing it has been that they were the first ppl i lived with in a foreign land. i cant even begin to say how much of a blessing in disguise it was that the dorm i applied to said there werent any vacancies. living with them was a stark difference from what i have been used to at home. the love, care and concern, lack of judgement, and full on encouragement and more importantly, their unconditional affection for each other made me feel like they were family in this place i call Ghost Town.
today, they tell me thru sms that they were leaving for Melbourne. it read, “Tonight, can i ask you and Ki to please be positive about us moving to Melbourne soon. it is a big shift for Brent and me and he needs lots of encouragement. the house may look pretty empty as we have been very busy packing. please do not say it is sad”.
i was sitting on the bus heading over to their place for dinner, and almost cried in anger. i kept telling myself, “they are not leaving me. they are just leaving.” i try to psychoanalyse myself to try and figure out what it is that makes me over-react to ppl (whom ive built a relationship with) leaving. i just cant seem to pinpoint a childhood incident. i just get very angry at the idea that ppl can leave and there’s nothing i can do abt it.
i reach their place and put on the biggest smile i know. honestly, that house is one place where i know no sadness or feelings of misery. both of them have gone through some hard times, struggling with Brent’s health condition and Val having to sort work and house between hospital visits and mortgage issues and open houses. She’s always said, “it’s all abit of a challenge, isnt it?” with a huge smile on her face. “but it’ll be alright. it always has been.”
its great to be around positive ppl. i had grown to believe that good things cant happen, and if they do, its because something bad was going to happen thereafter. i think im worse than a pessimistic person. but for the past 2 yrs, ive re-worked my ideologies and figured, i didnt want to live my life in regret or a regretful life. that i want to go out and experience the things ive dreamt of doing. and coming to this house with Val consistently saying, “You’ll never know if you never try” always reinforced my newfound belief.
they raised 2 great sons who have inherited their principles of “just get out there and try. do stuff experience things. learn, fail and re-learn. its ok to make mistakes.” kinda stuff. and i feel so happy that i got to meet their sons too.
they never fail to say something that will make me sort out my thoughts. having these 2 ppl encouraging me with positivity has been such a different experience. something i used to give others in SG, but never really gave myself. that house is one place where i know i can trust to get advise for the betterment of me. their sharing of experiences and just general warmness had touched me since day 1. and while its really sad that they are leaving for Melbourne, i am ever so grateful to the entire universe for bringing us together. i think things happen for a reason. this one was definitely to remind me to smile, even in time of adversity, cos even bad time dont last forever.
Cheers to Val and Brent. I wish them all the very best!
(with all pun intended: looks like they’ll make it to Melbourne before my current landlord does!)
