shit happens. but shit isnt the whole thing.

he said, “its not as simple as you think, what goes on in there is more than what you know. ppl dont leave a portfolio and stay at the same place. you leave. not stay. your CEP will be affected. its not abt your performance. CEP is more than just your performance. its ppl’s view of what you are capable of holding. and even simple things like the way you carry yourself and the way you talk makes an impact on their view of your CEP. im sure your position has been mentioned to the higher ups. next yr when they see your name not there, it will be taken as incompetence. then regardless of your performance, your CEP will drop because you got out of _____. if you had stayed on, you’ll realise that you can make the changes you really want, instead of just following orders. if you find somethings are useless, you would have been in the position to make the changes. if you really wanted to do things for the students, this is definitely something that you can work with..”

i said, “but i really dont like it. i really dont. really. really. really. i dont like it…”

he said, “you need to find the meaning and purpose in what you do. actually its a very nice portfolio to make an impact. better than others like maybe _____. it is at the heart of what you want to do. “

i said, “…………………”

he said, “you really should have talked to someone first. or we should have met one month earlier. then i can bring you back to your senses. you really should have understood what they meant when they asked you to reconsider.”

i said, “………………..”

he said, “this is a big decision…. didnt you talk to someone abt it?”

i said, “i did……….. but…. i really dont like all the admin stuff and all those nonsense…”

he said, “who likes that? nobody does. there’s more to that portfolio than just admin. think abt it. there’s so many things you can do. all the admin stuff, i mean, shit happens. but shit isnt the whole thing isnt it….”

i said, “……………….”

______________________________________________________________________________________

now, with someone new above me, im wondering if i could have managed if i stayed on….. but its too late for regrets. i really should have had this conversation with Chrys 1 month back.. maybe then i’d had another angle to think abt before i made a decision..

 

when everything seems to be not going the way it should

“ive lost faith in this system of things” i said. “almost everything is just at face value. almost everything happens only because there might be a prize at the end of it. otherwise, nothing else is important”

and she stroked me on my back with a certain look in her eyes that said ‘what can we do?’

….

i said the most hypocritical thing today. i spoke to a student regarding his behaviour. and somewhere in my conversation i said, “i know. that group of ppl are from all over the place and there is not sense of team. but, if you have said that you will be in the committee, you have to finish your job. its your responsibility not to quit. you have to finish the job”

he understood what i said and corrected himself. but i swear i saw my invisible clone stand in front of me and tell me to take my own advice seriously.

it sucks to be in this state of paralysis. the emotional aspect of my personality just refuses to back down and let my brain take over. to put it simply, i just dont want to do it. i just dont.

how more irresponsible can i be?

sigh….. if i could run away from this whole fake crap, i would. but…. the year still has a long way to go before it ends… and all i wish is that i do something that is meaningful and impactful and not just for documentation purposes….

 

Protected: its not that i feel like rebelling. i think i have already begun to rebel…

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can i? cant i?

“dont let what you cant do interfere with what you can do” – things we forget

so many times we focus on the things we cant do.

“im not good enough”
“i dont have time”
“the rest wont agree”
“there’s too many things to do if things are going to change”

you know, all of us are visionaries. we want things to happen. we want change. like it or not, as human beings having the innate ability to complain, we are also given the gift of wanting to improve things around us.

just that some ppl take action to improve, some ppl leave it to others to take action.

why let what others think bring you down? all leaders start from somewhere. and they probably screwed things upside down before.

but what is really important is to have a good vision. where do you want your team to be. how do you want your team to be percieved. how do you want your team to work. whether you care for your team. whether you will stand up for your team and whether your team will stand up for you.

it’s best to work when a team feels like a family working towards a common goal. its so hard to achieve that alot of the times because CCD is not a teacher’s primary concern. it should never be. and yet, we still want programs to be good because it does affect the students.

if others can do it, why wouldnt i be able to? why let my own perceptions of myself bring me down? afterall, one step at a time and i will be able to get somewhere, no matter how slow.

along the way, i’ll learn the tricks of the trade. hopefully create a bonded team who are passionate abt the CCD. who want to make a real change at the ground level rather than come up with programs and ideas for the sake of data collection.

once i get through this year, i’ll have more ownership abt the things i want to change. there will be things that i can change. there’ll be things i cant.

but, i wont let what i cant do interfere with what i can do.

once ppl start to see that small little changes are starting to make a difference, they’ll leave more things to my discretion, and then i can make a more impactful change.

time will come….

 

2 Military Policemen

there are these 2 MPs that i see almost every morning, as i wait for CL to pick me up in a cab.

they walk past me with a jacket over their uniform, but that doesnt stop the large white belt from showing.

almost every morning, i see them walk to the zebra crossing. stop for a while to check for vehicles. cross the road. stop at another traffic light and wait for the green man to appear, even though there are no moving vehicles obstructing them from jay walking.

every other NSF/regulars/MINDEF personnel takes the short cut by diagonally cutting across the zebra crossing and the other road together. except these 2 MPs. and other MPs that i have recently observed.

is it the presence of MINDEF guards that prevent the MPs from jay walking?

almost every morning, i wonder if they obey all the traffic regulations every where they go. whether its drilled into them that MPs have a ‘legal obligation’ to be lawful when they are in MP uniform. do they do it because they have a sense of pride? or because they could be court marshalled?

i know the importance of being in a uniform. the responsibility is greater when you are seen as a member of an organisation.

a policeman cannot choose not to question a wrong act, more so when he is in uniform.

a st john member cannot forestall his duty, more so when he is in uniform and sees someone who urgently needs first aid.

so what drives us? the idea of moral binding or the fear of punishment or fear or embarrassment?

being a layman is different from being recognised by a layman. certain behaviours must be established. if not for anything, at least for the fact that ppl are watching and judging everything you do, more so when you are in a position where you are recognised and associated by members of the public.

 

T1W9 updates

common test was the time where trs focused on IP coaching and finally marking when the scripts come in. this might be the most depressing week ive had. or maybe one of the many depressing weeks i’ll have this year.

so, it seems that many ppl are concerned abt me being stressed. if students ask me this, its fine. but if adults ask me this, its different. call me sensitive, but that makes me interpret it as, im incapable.

sigh….

i want to have a life and i do not want to sell my soul to the school. the sch is sucking me dry. and i might end up as a dehydrated corpse before the yr ends.

sigh….

frankly speaking, i do not want to leave this portfolio with ppl thinking that im incapable of handling my job scope. i have more pride than that. i want to leave because its not my interest, not because im incapable. and if it takes me another yr to prove to ppl that im more than capable of executing this portfolio, i might as well consider staying in this track.

a friend told me that my status right now is that im “just surviving”. that’s considered a little below “doing ok”. sigh…..

i just want to be a teacher who imparts knowledge. someone who inspires, maybe not all, but at least 1 or 2 students. someone who can focus on what is really important to a teacher.

and im upset that i cant do that now.

i think i deserve a break. i want to disappear from the face of the earth until im satisfied enough to show my face again.

argh……….. excel fest over. now, need to clear ITQs, AARs, Term 1 review, cambodia trip, lesson plans for CE…….

i dont even have time for my family. and that is not right…. i need to know what im doing wrong, or what im not doing…… cos everyone else seems to be able to have a smile on their faces, while ive just changed into a really sad person. and i do not want to be that person. things have got to change.

 

becoming a leader

my ultimate aim as a teacher is to impact students.

ive been constantly told that leadership is a better way to do so because policies made at the higher level helps the greater mass of students. i dont disagree. neither do i fully agree.

many leaders lose focus of the ultimate aim at hand.

blame it on the possibility that maybe i havent seen a leader that really believes that impacting a student’s life is their basis of every policy ever made.

but many a times, leadership seems to be abt getting to the next higher level. with that, impacting students life sometimes becomes 2nd priority. or maybe, policies with the intent of impacting students, but the mere reality and practicality of it just doesnt go well on the ground.

fact is this, the moment you lose touch with what’s happening on the ground, your ideologies preside. what you think is useful takes presidence. which may not always be what is exactly needed.

something policies that require extra admin work comes into play. sometimes awards become one of the KPIs. sometimes its just about whether there are policies documented to show that ppl are trying to improve students lives.

the arguement is that i could be one of those leaders who do things for the benefit of the students. and i know there must be such ppl around. perhaps, i just need to figure what i really want. to lead or not to lead. or how to lead.

though many a times, i honestly think that i am really quite better off as a teacher than anything else. because, my students drive me to be better than i was a year ago. and that makes sense to me.

being a teacher on the ground, rather than someone driving processes to subordinates who do the fieldwork. thats doing what im good at.

 

T1W5 roundup

1) simple gestures

maybe they dont really understand why i felt that way. why i complained nagged. whined. maybe i cant expect them to understand. to them, maybe im not part of that family yet. and i cant expect to be either…

or maybe like what SL said, they just dont realise…

it is like, when you go shopping and you pass by anything that resembles a cat, you’ll think of KW. or you see precious moments stuff and you think of whether you want to buy for someone…. or you see mickey mouse and you think of JL..

its the small gestures….. but, perhaps, reasons are a little hard to understand for their age. and too high for me to expect… whatever it is, ppl mature at different times. maybe someday, they’ll realise… and when they do, it still doesnt matter, because im just another stepping stone in life… as are many other ppl…

anyhow, i was touched by what they did. because it was done over 4 floors, and rehearsed with ppl were still around… it must have been embarassing for them, and they were still willing to do it…

…

but to me, im still happy with them. im still proud of them. i still show them off to other classes. and i make sure everyone else knows who they are and what they mean to me.

so when someone from somewhere else, out of nowhere, comes to me to say, “No wonder you are proud of your class”, i tell them, “of course, they are the best class ever.” regardless of whether they made me sad or disappointed sometimes.. they are still the ones who make me the happiest.

it’s like, no matter what wrong they do. or how they have misunderstood me, to me, they are still a group of very good students who have the potential to be even better than me someday….

i hope they reach that level one day… i hope everyone else looks up to ppl in my class like how that other person did, when he said, “no wonder you are proud of your class”. i hope, they will be fantastic role models. i hope, they will create a mark for themselves. to be spoken of as the best NA class to be taught ever in kss…

2) leadership lessons learnt from students

its amazing what self-realisation and ownership does to your confidence level. when you reach the point where you just cannot take nonsense, it takes a man to stand up and confront ppl.

as i was sharing with a colleague, taking on a higher role means you have to rise up to the challenge. you may be doing fine being in a lower position, but when you reach a higher position, you have to change your perceptions and take on the job with ownership.

if you feel something has to be done, it doesnt matter what others think of you.

as a principal, you cannot be asking ppl for favours. if you feel its right, and you want it to be done, you must have a certain level of authority to ensure that ppl under you get things done, regardless of whether they like doing it.

maybe its a hard stance, but, ive come to realise that asking friends for favours to complete a job wont always work. and a person at a certain level, cannot be begging ppl to do things for them. imagine LKY begging his ministers to complete the job. it just wont work that way.

a leader must have his own directions and beliefs and the capability to convince his members that his beliefs are worth the effort.

im still learning.

3) TGIF

on another note, reaching friday everyweek makes me feel like ive accomplished a feat. like i conquered a war week. TGIF takes on a whole new meaning this year.

Peace. Out.

 

Protected: sometimes i feel….

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T1W3 updates

let it be officially recorded that i hate admin work. i hate having to rush deadlines for things that i think are uselessly redundant. let it be recorded that i think some of the things some ppl do are really just for show. i hate having to feel miserable that i have to do certain redundantly useless things for the ppl who do these things…..

but all is good when it comes to students. they make me smile and love what im doing. (for students).

overall, the one and only thing that made me smile this week was the fact that my students totally showed teamwork. they seems to be getting a little obsessed with the YOG decor, but, im happy they are working together, rather than not being bothered abt anything at all. i love my babies…

spoke to my chairperson and 5C chairperson abt upcoming projects. somehow, i feel, i can rely on them (all 3 class chairpersons) to come up with their service-learning projects, and to deliver it well. i believe in this bunch of sec 5s. i think they will create history. and i love them for it.

so you see, after all the angst i had over work that i had to settle, talking abt my students immediately brings a smile.

Se challenged me regarding my birthday. and i have this sudden cold feeling that my irritating class might really just do something stupid. so im just going to stay inside the staffroom this yr. he said, “sure kena one. last year already, your birthday, you sure kena one”

errr…. if that is not threatening enough, i dont know what it… but anyway, i wont step out of the staffroom after sch on my birthday week this year.

suddenly, this post turns out to be abt my students, rather than my angry emotions.

anyway, other updates include the fact that i havent been able to run in 2 weeks, and my first every run is coming up in the next 2 weeks. i need to work out a miracle.

i missed my driving practical this week. and i booked a peak hr period. so my colleague’s only reaction was, “wah, you very rich ah…”

a stack of filling on my molar tooth dropped out on thursday. i had all my fillings done when i was in P6 and Sec 1… so its a really long time, and i have to face the dentist to get my tooth drilled and cleaned again before getting filled one more time. and im not happy abt that.

chose not to go for the free blood test my sch organised, because i didnt want to get poked. in any case, i have to get poked for my cambodia trip in march… so whatever..

i missed a major deadline this week, causing my emotional outburst. leading to me feeling like my life is in a mess. resulting in me cleaning up my table in sch on a saturday after cca. i can finally see some table space. at least i wasnt like Ash who said, “im seeing places on my table that i never knew existed!” haha…

after 3 weeks, sch seems to be going… moving. end of jan, means there’s just 10 mths left for the yr to end. so… things got to get moving.

this week has been tough. and ive learnt alot. ive learnt alot abt alot of things. and if i had to live this week all over again, i’d get through this week much efficiently…. we all learn and grow, dont we…..

oh, and did i mention i love my babies…….