Author Archives: misspegasus
so it’s been months since i wrote something.
im at cross roads once again. and making decisions knowing that the future may be unstable is difficult, not to mention scary. do i change jobs? whats my job security? pay cut? same country? unfamiliar grounds?
what considerations should one have to move countries? change jobs? what are my reasons for changing jobs? will this work out?
i suppose “you think too much” cant be used in a life changing crossroads right……….
good night world.
the almost 6 mths now, my dad’s dad has been living with us…i dont know much abt him except that im not his fav grandchild and that he used to a provision shop back in the days. i used to play with the toys and he’d show me new items. he favours his daughter over all his children, although his 3rd son is the one who cared most for him. he and my grandmom lived separately till a point when no house was available for such a living condition, then she moved in with him.
he’s like almost 100 now. maybe over 100. he lives the rest of his days sitting on a wheelchair, starting blankly into space. he eats ground up food, doesnt dare to drink water cos he’s afraid of peeing, but constantly forgets he’s on adult diapers, which itself requires changing three times a day. i didnt talk to him much before, but now i just feel sad for a human being to be forced to live life like this. he doesnt know who i am. probably cos he doesnt see his son (my dad) and i interacting much.
i’d rather die. and truth be told, im guessing he probably feels the same.
he’s been admitted to the hospital. and i brought mom to visit him today. he looked terrible. face was sunken and i tried to convince myself that it was because his dentures were loose in his mouth. mom disagreed saying he did look terrible because he was in a terrible state. apparently he hadnt eaten the day’s food. had no energy to swallow, kept his eyes closed all the time. he needed to be shaken hard enough to slightly open his eyes for a split second before he closed it back again. it was as thought he was blinking in reverse.
and all i could think of was……… “dont die in front of me”. i would like to think that im a strong person, but i dont think i can handle seeing someone taking his last breath. and i hope he doesnt die in the house, because i’ll never be able to walk in the dark in the house. :(
mom thinks he has 2 mths left.
dad is probably affected, so much so that he’s fallen sick, 2 days after mom’s 2-day sleeping episode.
i wish i had a support system, but i think i’ll be the support system for them………… they probably need it more than me. i hope we get through these next few mths….
a hug would be much appreciated.
so many things i want to say, but they remain as voices in my head.
most of the times, im not even able to form full sentences to write abt them. they are like phantom thoughts. cant see them, but they are there, weighing me down.
staring at this empty white space when im supposed to be marking.
still dont know what to write.
oh well…………. im supposed to feel blessed that im still alive and kicking right. :D