RSS

Author Archives: misspegasus

About misspegasus

a crazy workaholic who loves biology, gets excited by dead things, interested in forensics, and am doing everything that second best to being a cardiologist... i guess im happy being me.....

that old man in my house

the almost 6 mths now, my dad’s dad has been living with us…i dont know much abt him except that im not his fav grandchild and that he used to a provision shop back in the days. i used to play with the toys  and he’d show me new items. he favours his daughter over all his children, although his 3rd son is the one who cared most for him. he and my grandmom lived separately till a point when no house was available for such a living condition, then she moved in with him.

he’s like almost 100 now. maybe over 100. he lives the rest of his days sitting on a wheelchair, starting blankly into space. he eats ground up food, doesnt dare to drink water cos he’s afraid of peeing, but constantly forgets he’s on adult diapers, which itself requires changing three times a day. i didnt talk to him much before, but now i just feel sad for a human being to be forced to live life like this. he doesnt know who i am. probably cos he doesnt see his son (my dad) and i interacting much.

i’d rather die. and truth be told, im guessing he probably feels the same.

he’s been admitted to the hospital. and i brought mom to visit him today. he looked terrible. face was sunken and i tried to convince myself that it was because his dentures were loose in his mouth. mom disagreed saying he did look terrible because he was in a terrible state. apparently he hadnt eaten the day’s food. had no energy to swallow, kept his eyes closed all the time. he needed to be shaken hard enough to slightly open his eyes for a split second before he closed it back again. it was as thought he was blinking in reverse.

and all i could think of was……… “dont die in front of me”. i would like to think that im a strong person, but i dont think i can handle seeing someone taking his last breath. and i hope he doesnt die in the house, because i’ll never be able to walk in the dark in the house. :(

mom thinks he has 2 mths left.

dad is probably affected, so much so that he’s fallen sick, 2 days after mom’s 2-day sleeping episode.

i wish i had a support system, but i think i’ll be the support system for them………… they probably need it more than me. i hope we get through these next few mths….

a hug would be much appreciated.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 16, 2014 in i-Worry

 

Protected: hanging in there.

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

 
Enter your password to view comments.

Posted by on May 11, 2014 in i-Love, i-Miss, i-Wish

 

Protected: do you remember?

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

 
Enter your password to view comments.

Posted by on February 21, 2014 in i-Love, i-Miss

 

for whoever would like to know how i feel

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 21, 2014 in i-Angry

 

Protected: the fam…

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

 
Enter your password to view comments.

Posted by on February 21, 2014 in i-Wish

 

home and work in general

so many things i want to say, but they remain as voices in my head.

most of the times, im not even able to form full sentences to write abt them. they are like phantom thoughts. cant see them, but they are there, weighing me down.

staring at this empty white space when im supposed to be marking.

still dont know what to write.

oh well…………. im supposed to feel blessed that im still alive and kicking right. :D

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 19, 2014 in i-Blabber

 

Protected: keeping the faith

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

 
Enter your password to view comments.

Posted by on February 9, 2014 in i-Love, i-Want

 

house.

everyday feels heavy. the place i go back to is a house, not a home. is it unfilial of me to want to leave everything behind and go somewhere else, start my own life? to not have to think about it because it is not something i can fix anymore………?

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 9, 2014 in i-Want, i-Wish

 

don’t you worry

there’s a plan for you

you’ll get there, if you just persist.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 5, 2014 in i-Love

 

if you had a few mths to live

i might feel different if i knew this to be true, but, right now i think i might agree with the girl. it might be liberating. when the short time forces you to choose what matters in life and to pursue it. by then, maybe the time is really too short.

spending quality time with the ppl you love. just spending every moment with them, to keep as many memories as possible.

i think i want to spend my time alone by the beach watching the sunset on my last few nights. the waves calm me down. and it will be a peaceful way to go

life is so fragile. i dont even know if i’ll wake up tmr. or if i’ll be alive to see the next sunset. i dont know if im ready to leave the world yet. i still have a few things to do…..

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 23, 2014 in i-Wish

 
 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: