Author Archives: misspegasus
i hope kids grow up to put their abusive past behind them. but the reality is, the past will always be a part of why you become what you are today. whether its good or bad.
heee haaa!!!! done sch camps so many times, those arent real camps right… so i finally made this happen! after over a yr in the ghosttown, i made it to hinchinbrook island! with my best bud The SB! and boy did the trip exceed all expectations!
we so took the greyhound from GhostTown to Cardwell. slept like a vagabond at a busstop on the street from 3am to 6am in the cold. and then had breakfast at a 24 hr shop. and then started walking on our 45min journey to the Hinchinbrook port.
where the ferry guy picked us up and we finally headed over to the Hinchinbrook island!
setting up camp on the first night. the SB tied rope across. so cool!!!
at the loo with the doors wide open, just because there was no one else around! hehe!
many river crossings and lovely challenges. absolutely had fun crossing at creeks!
it was a camping trip that was more than what i had expected. couldnt have asked for a better experience. and am absolutely glad the SB came with me.
Hindus, and i believe many other religions, believe in the concept of Karma. whatever you do, it comes back to you. and Hindus believe in reincarnation too. sometimes, it’s so twisted that you may say that bad things are happening to you because you must have done something bad in one of your incarnations. and that the bad things that happen to you are happening to wipe off the sin you committed in your past incarnations. i dont know if there were past incarnations of me. and i dont know if i should believe the astrologer who says that this is my last incarnation. all i know is that i have this lifetime. and i believe that whatever happens to me in this lifetime happens to grow me into a better person. but getting brutally raped and violated or tortured by another human just because im not one of them is something i could never accept as punishment to a past sin. even if i was a murderer in my last lifetime, i should be punished for it back then, and not in some other lifetime. that theory could merely be a rouse by the oldies to warn ppl from doing bad (since bad things follow you for generations, or so it seems). i dont see how punishing someone for a sin committed in past lifetime works out to be fair. does it make any sense that someone would say that you deserve to be tortured because you murdered someone in a lifetime he has no memory of? that seems more vengeful than anything else. i guess what im trying to say is that i cant see any divine reason that would justify someone being tortured. being raised a Hindu, i dont know if im wrong to say what i just did. but like everyone else, we have perspectives and questions abt things that sometimes dont add up.
perhaps, God is one who is a figure of hope in situations like that. a focal point that maybe there will be a way out some day.
i call myself a believer. but if i were that Jewish prisoner, i would have said the same thing.
it doesnt work, but i still keep reminding myself.
2 months left and i cant deny that sometimes i wonder how simpler it would have been if i had said “No”. Life seemed easy then. i dont know how others do it. im probably more messed up than i think i am… but i also know what i need for this to work, and im not sure im going to get that.
“but things might be perfect” so, i shall wait and let the future unfold itself. the past taught me alot of lessons. i am still learning from the present. maybe it will be perfect, maybe it wont. at least im giving it a chance.
i still do, but i miss smiling without weight on my shoulders or worry on my mind. its been a while. the last time must be back in late september when i decided to go ahead with something i thought i’d never do. this week’s been tough. but it could have been tougher. im still alive and no one i know is dead. so come what may, im going to pick myself up and ease up on the pressure i’m putting on myself. studies, expenses. cos, i should be enjoying my final semester before starting work. and feeling overly disappointed in myself and over stressing abt not being the best is not how i want to remember the final semester. let’s go girl!
take me with you
take me to the quiet of Space
where my silence is unconditionally accepted
take me to the seat on the moon
where i can spend the night watching waves crash
take me to the vast nothingness
where i can embrace the cold and feel its warmth
take me with you
to a place where i have no desires and hopes and emotions
to a place where it is perfectly acceptable to become numb
Dear Stars in the Night Sky,
take me with you
You’ve got the words to change a nation
but you’re biting your tongue
You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence
afraid you’ll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?
So come on, come on
Come on, come on
You’ve got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Baby we’re a little different
there’s no need to be ashamed
You’ve got the light to fight the shadows
so stop hiding it away
Come on, Come on
Yeah we’re all wonderful, wonderful people
so when did we all get so fearful?
Now we’re finally finding our voices
so take a chance, come help me sing this
I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream till the words dry out
so put it in all of the papers,
I’m not afraid
they can read all about it
read all about it oh
~ Emeli Sande ~
all the cruel things ppl do to ppl, ppl do to animals.. yet so many more unreported cases. war crimes, sexual bullies, torture, etc. as much as i would like to think that the world is a good place, maybe it is filled with more psychos that i thought.
“…left over when we finally decided to smash all the things we thought we used to be.
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, well, get a better mirror,
look a little closer, stare a little longer,
cos there’s something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart inside of yourself
decided they were wrong.
cos how can you hold your ground if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong
they have to be wrong.
why else, would we still be here?”
that reflection in the mirror was a hard thing to see for many years. i used to describe myself in the worst possible manner looking at the reflection so that when i got called names, it wouldnt hurt as bad. pointed to the reflection and said things abt it everyday until i started believing it. and then i started to look away because i believed the reflection i saw was a bitch. those were the days i’d brush my teeth or wash my face without seeing the mirror cos the only voices i heard were of those telling me that i was no where near good enough and that i was a pathetic lowlife and absolutely worthless and useless..
i have come a long way. i dont ever want to feel that way abt myself again. wont allow myself to be that person again. it was a big struggle to switch and learn to see the positive side of me. at mid-life, i had learnt that someone’s perception of me does not define who i am or what im capable of. likewise, my perception of others.
people make mistakes. and its ok to make mistakes. thats how we learn. thats how we become who we are. thats how we know what we want to be. its been a long journey, but, ive learnt so much over the years and i’m happy with they way i am now. i’m ok with being me now. even if that is not good enough for others. i am good enough for me.