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Monthly Archives: April 2011

happy families do exist…

seemingly the environment i grew up in made me kind of a pessimistic person. to me, happy families mostly only exist in dreams. dont get me wrong.. i love my parents and bro. i do. and i know they love me too.

happy families are families that have joy in their heart. they do things for each other, care, play, scold……… i mean, they want to do it. they embrace strangers with a full heart, not having any misgivings abt them and just trusting that the others will be just as nice. i never really see such families very often. to me, almost everyone has an agenda. and to me, nobody really cares much abt the other person, unless you are an immediate family member (which then creates an entire new dimension of ‘you have to care for them’). to me, no one really genuinely cares abt how you are doing. and if they do ask, then its really just for formalities sake. to me, welcoming strangers into a family and calling them their own after getting acquainted isnt something that most ppl do. perhaps my thoughts are the result of the environment i grew up in.

this family i see today, i wish i was sitting behind some wall which only allows me to see them… they interacted with each other. both sides of the in-laws. welcoming the other family with open arms. the father in law i see is really just a nice principled man. no child could do wrong with such a father. the mother is so energetic and lively, she just springs out life. everyone hugs everyone, touches each other caringly, and ive not seen such human-human contact in the longest time. its really quite pleasant. perhaps ive been out of touch for too long.

and while i was reflecting on what went wrong with my family, i saw their grandparents with arms over each other. an indian (grand) couple. who still feel shy with each other. and then i think of my paternal grandparents who really dont care abt how the other one is doing, and my maternal grandparents who still care for each other but dont show their love. they dont express how much they love each other. i guess, it must be the environment they grew up in.

while i saw the relatives readily making friends with the new in laws today, i thought, good ppl continue to make friends with good ppl. no one really wants to do harm to a nice family. so maybe thats where it starts, just be genuinely nice to ppl, without being afraid that they might walk over you… maybe? who knows. why my family turned out like this and why theirs didnt… to think we’ve not genuinely smiled to each other for over 9 years is quite a sad notion… but i still love them..

i really dont know what else to say. seeing today, i realise that there might be at least a few families who enjoys the company of each other……. if i ever do get married, i want to get married into a family that’s as warm as them.

i wish my friend all the best on his last day of bachelorhood… my childhood friend for 28 years, my very best wishes for you! and im really glad you found your family a great set of in-laws… :)

 
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Posted by on April 30, 2011 in i-Reflect, i-Want, i-Wish

 

Photos from this week..

lets see…. my whole week in sch was pretty much the same as everyweek, but for once, i kinda wished that i still had the 5 days instead of a 4-day week cos i really still have quite a bit of things in need to settle with ppl….

but then came the 3-day weekend!

headed to ADEX 2011 on friday and boy was i EXCITED!!!! that must have been the most excited i had gotten in quite a while!! no matter how much i walked, i was just so excited knowing that im going to embark on this new section of my life! HEHE! :D :D :D :D :D

see! still excited! lol!

didnt buy anything cos my friend said he’d come down on sunday, and then i could get advice from him on equipment to buy.

sat: went back to sch for sjab training mtg and atc 2011 mtg. and then after that headed to the beach. it was lovely watching the light beam from the planes cast bright light from behind the clouds. lovely. i love seeing planes land and take off..

as usual, watching the waves is just something i love doing…….

sunday was bad. felt sick and couldnt go for chek jawa for seagrass monitoring. sucks when you miss one of those…. in the afternoon, headed to ADEX again……. and check out what i bought for my self!!!

ScubaPro Marin 2 Mask..

ScubaPro Snorkle Pro

ScubaPro Snorkle Pro Open Heel… havent bought it yet. will get it in 2 weeks time.

got myself new booties and some rashguards and board shorts. :)

and guess what, i booked myself a trip for my dive course!

I AM THE HAPPIEST PERSON ALIVE TODAY!

on the side lines,

check out what caused the power trip in my house this morning!

a mighty lizard that got itself electrocuted! HAHA! check out the head man! its hilariously disgusting!

and here’s a video of a bee that’s making the inside of my hall window its home!

and thats abt the pics i have for this week… and this is going to get me through next week! woo hoo!!! spent less than $1000 at ADEX! i feel good!

oh.. and in case i forget, here’s a reminder for me to NEVER stop on another bus lane during bus lane hours again!

thank goodness i was let off this time!

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2011 in i-Happy

 

OH.MY.GOSH.

I.NEED.MORE.TIME.TO.DO.MY.WORK.

I.CANT.BE.STUCK.AT.MEETINGS.ALL.DAY.LONG!

SAVE.ME!!!!

I.NEED.A.PERSONAL.ASSISTANT!!!!!

 
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Posted by on April 20, 2011 in i-Blabber

 

Dolphin slaughter in Denmark… sickening!

This evil dolphin slaughter is cruel. they get slashed, poked, torn apart, sliced. they die slowly, drowning in their own blood.

and spectators stand and applaud at this cruelty.

the same thing happens in japan. the movie, “The Cove” shares with people the cruelty that happens in japan.

its sad that ppl get to amuse themselves with such sadistic acts.

 
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Posted by on April 14, 2011 in i-Sad, i-Wish

 

tomorrow feels different today

it isnt the usual the monday blues that start almost right after dinner when we know that monday = work and work.

this time its different. i am feeling a little sick, since i got home from sch past 10 last night (again) and then got fooled by my mom into thinking that we needed to go out early, so i got up early. but then we only went out at 3pm. drats!

but still, i am feeling quite positive abt sch tmr. a colleague said to me last friday that i seem to have a negative vibe around me, and i replied, “im sure i do. right now, i really feel like sh*t!” on wednesday, i started having flashes of taking a rifle and shooting someone’s head. and imagine using hammers to smash someone’s head while seeing brain juices spill out. and so one student told me that i should go and play comp games.

dont worry ppl, i dont need a counsellor. i am still human, and im still normal. and today, im actually feeling quite upbeat abt the next few weeks as we embark on the start of night study, and crazy crazy revision frenzy since prelims has been brought up to BEFORE JUNE HOLS!!!!!! wahhhhhhhhhh………………….. even i feel frightened, im sure the kids feel worse! haha… but its ok, WE CAN DO IT! (and ppl, im really not sarcastic. i mean this!)

things are gonna get worse in sch. more marking, more IPs, more revision, more serious lessons in class, and more marking. but, hey, we’ll all get through it together. both teachers and students are working hard, and im sure we’ll make it happen.

my weekend was really a much needed weekend. i spent probably the whole week pissed, angry, disgusted, annoyed, disappointed. i spent saturday with 6 out of the seven of them. it was the weirdest thing sitting at the hall without knowing how to talk to them. made me feel so uncomfortable and i didnt like it. and yet i didnt want to cry, so i kept quiet. but, things got better. one had to leave earlier, so the remaining 5 of them and i had dinner, chatted over what went wrong, and made up. and it seriously made me feel better. thanks to them, i now have the energy to get through this whole year. the whole of this year. i love the seven of them. :)

and thanks to some colleagues who listened while i spoke my mind and to the one who sat with me during lunch while i just kept quiet.

with no regrets for speaking my mind to those who got me annoyed.

i think this week was one hell of a roller coaster ride.

but for some reason, im positive that the next few weeks, while gonna be as busy as hell, are still going to be better. ive given up on those who get me annoyed, so now i cant care less. but ive found meaning in teaching again, through the horrible reflective period on friday evening. cos i know while disappointments are part of the job, what matters is that i still do my best. and who knows, maybe ive disappointed students before too…?

but, we’ll grow together. and we’ll make it through! :)

 
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Posted by on April 10, 2011 in i-Happy, i-Reflect

 

stealing a break

am sitting here starting at my facebook wall, not knowing what to say or do. i should be starting on my 4th paper for prelims. but, im so exhausted emotionally. i think ive reached the point in my career where i realise that no amount of care and concern will make much of a difference to most students. whether you are there or not there, probably doesnt make a difference.

ppl can say that caring teachers do make a difference. ya, maybe. but, it wouldnt matter even if they weren’t caring. i still spend time talking to students just to see how they are doing, coping with life in sch. i still make students speak their minds and cry so that they’ll feel better after that, and then they can move on. but im really getting busy. im over my head with the amount of work to finish. dont ask me what im busy with. even i cant list it down, because its just bit and pieces of everything that’s cramping up my life.

i have piles of marking to do. i have been contemplating taking a 2 day MC just so that i can hide somewhere and mark. but, then i wouldnt do it, cos then my syllabus wont be covered. i feel guilty each time i go into my 4NA maths class cos i feel im not prepared for the lesson and im falling short of my own expectations of myself when it comes to the delivery of the lesson.

and urgent things that MUST be done have been coming up. ppl say prioritize, but everything seems urgent and impt. and for once, i kinda wish that i was a sucky teacher so that no extra work comes to me. but, thats not the case.

i also learnt this week that students who really care abt you will notice that you arent looking too good. there are just the few of them. the first person who noticed was TGG, who pointed his finger at me and threateningly said, “you dont lie to me, i know you are sad. you better tell me what it is!”. but i refused to say. and then there was SN and TJ. and a few others. at several points today, i just felt like crying. but i hate to cry in front of ppl, so i held it in. but i had to put in so much effort cos saying just a few words would trigger my tear glands. and so i just, smiled, nodded my head and said, “mmmm….” most of the time. but at the end of it all, i had to go to sj room to hide and cry. cos the disappointment from my students was just overwhelming. i feel i shouldnt have worried abt them, i feel i neednt have tried to work out study plans with them,  encouraged them, comforted them, or tried to push them to exceed their own expectations, or even bother creating opportunities for them to grow. i feel i shouldnt have thought too much into the mistake that was made. perhaps they would have been happy not being in the competition. i feel maybe it wouldnt have mattered that much to them anyway. i feel the committee wanted their participation more than they did.

so for most part of it, it really wouldnt have mattered. cos i think the sense of ownership and feeling of appreciation would naturally come if it did matter. maybe thats why i feel so cheated. cos i still believed that after all we did for them, they’ll actually feel passionate abt what they do. that they’ll pass on the passion to others. afterall, if they themselves dont feel proud of what they’ve achieved, then whats the worth in that award? they actually dont feel proud of what they have achieved. its that kind of feeling that you work so hard for something that they dont really care for. in the end, we feel happy cos we think they are happy, but actually they dont give a damn. i feel cheated. actually most ppl succeed after they leave sec sch – i feel we shouldnt bother trying so much. when it matters to them, they’ll do it.

but, coming to this realization wasnt easy. as much as i put my heart and soul into education, i think, none of that really matters. and you know whats the funny thing? students are what makes me want to come to sch everyday. and even they can disappoint me..  if i feel this way, i think, its time to leave. perhaps its time for all those newbies out there who get inspired by the teaching advertisements to come into this fraternity. where they can spend a few years here hopeful abt the prospects of everything this fraternity promises.

but me? im tired. im tired of getting disappointed by students i love. im tired of putting in my best effort for ppl who dont really read much into it. after 6 years, i feel, ive reached my height, and fallen back hard to the reality of things. that what we do doesnt really matter. if the kids want it, they’ll do what it takes to achieve it. if they dont want it, they wont bother. maybe thats why the previous batch fought so hard. cos they had the drive to achieve more. maybe this batch doesnt feel thats important. and thats just them. and that doesnt mean they are bad kids. that just means they have different goals in life. and there isnt anything wrong with that isnt it.

i’ll just need to grow into an emotionally stronger person so that when the next person disappoints me, i wouldnt hide in sj room crying my heart out. i’ll grow strong.

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2011 in i-Cry, i-Hurt, i-Learn, i-Sad, i-Wish

 

mid-night-laughs

like i mentioned, signs from heaven are falling on me………….. haha….


received this in email just now and i paused at this page for abt 5 min, wondering how i was supposed to react to this…………. and i actually started considering what my expected salary would be……. lol……… to think that i could end up in this position.

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2011 in i-Teach

 
 
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