when things make sense

something strange tends to happen to my brain when The SB is out of contact. it’s as though my neurones awaken. the first time he was out of contact (while out diving the SS Yongala), i realised i missed him and wanted to talk to him abt something that had come up. he’s away for 6 days this time round.

something that i had held steadfast in my philosophy for over a decade is that ppl dont care. ppl generally dont care. they are selfish and they basically dont care. so on thursday, in response to a casual question, i repeated my philosophy to a group of strangers that ppl dont care. and for some funny reason, i thought to myself, “thats not true.” i hadnt realised that i had changed my opinion of ppl. i walked home that day thinking of all the ways in which The SB had shown that he cares. that he cares not because he is afraid of what the world will think. but because he just cares. i thought about how his family invited me into their homes, and i thought “they care for me because they love him”. i thought my parents care, in whatever ways they know, however they know. you know what i realised?

i realised The SB taught me that ppl do care, without forcing me to believe that ppl do care. this man is someone special. he made a rock melt. he made me feel safe being vulnerable. he showed me how it feels like to be treated right. my man is someone really special. <3

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Posted by on September 28, 2014 in i-Love, i-Reflect


as time passes you by

it’s been a while since ive written. been too busy with work and when im not busy with work im busy holidaying. just last week i was with my man on a beach, thinking that we would have been together for 2 yrs in 2 days time. in the weeks preceding and after i came back, lots of things happened. which made me think of some life changing choices… choices that i have made since 2010 that have made me a happier person. because life is just too short to remain miserable. this week, i made another choice. why stay unhappy and complain when you know you have the choice to change the circumstance? after much reflection and thinking, i decided to do it. this continues the uncertainty of my man and me. but when the time is right, i think we will work this out. and until then, we will stay positive and keep the faith.

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Posted by on September 22, 2014 in i-Learn


Protected: a timely reminder

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Posted by on August 5, 2014 in i-Reflect


at crossroads once again

so it’s been months since i wrote something. 

im at cross roads once again. and making decisions knowing that the future may be unstable is difficult, not to mention scary. do i change jobs? whats my job security? pay cut? same country? unfamiliar grounds? 

what considerations should one have to move countries? change jobs? what are my reasons for changing jobs? will this work out? 


i suppose “you think too much” cant be used in a life changing crossroads right………. 

good night world. 


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Posted by on July 30, 2014 in i-Blabber, i-Worry


my june in 140 words

flying snake, vipers, huge hunstman spiders and centipedes, crocodile spotting at night, fireflies, private beach, treehouse for a night. Maybelline and family, northmost thailand, gossips and learning that teaching english without speaking their language is hard, but not impossible. Disappointed with not trekking in chiang rai, but learnt that green tea smoothie is something I might like. Many tight hugs and long kisses, getting used to stares and spending 9 whole days together. Some days were exciting, some days were normal. And finally my last long walk down that street where he lives . With a long sad look when I finally cross the line where I can no longer hold his hand anymore. Not a single tear on flight because I think, just maybe, we might be able to work thru this one day.


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Posted by on June 26, 2014 in i-Happy, i-LiveMyLife


that old man in my house

the almost 6 mths now, my dad’s dad has been living with us…i dont know much abt him except that im not his fav grandchild and that he used to a provision shop back in the days. i used to play with the toys  and he’d show me new items. he favours his daughter over all his children, although his 3rd son is the one who cared most for him. he and my grandmom lived separately till a point when no house was available for such a living condition, then she moved in with him.

he’s like almost 100 now. maybe over 100. he lives the rest of his days sitting on a wheelchair, starting blankly into space. he eats ground up food, doesnt dare to drink water cos he’s afraid of peeing, but constantly forgets he’s on adult diapers, which itself requires changing three times a day. i didnt talk to him much before, but now i just feel sad for a human being to be forced to live life like this. he doesnt know who i am. probably cos he doesnt see his son (my dad) and i interacting much.

i’d rather die. and truth be told, im guessing he probably feels the same.

he’s been admitted to the hospital. and i brought mom to visit him today. he looked terrible. face was sunken and i tried to convince myself that it was because his dentures were loose in his mouth. mom disagreed saying he did look terrible because he was in a terrible state. apparently he hadnt eaten the day’s food. had no energy to swallow, kept his eyes closed all the time. he needed to be shaken hard enough to slightly open his eyes for a split second before he closed it back again. it was as thought he was blinking in reverse.

and all i could think of was……… “dont die in front of me”. i would like to think that im a strong person, but i dont think i can handle seeing someone taking his last breath. and i hope he doesnt die in the house, because i’ll never be able to walk in the dark in the house. :(

mom thinks he has 2 mths left.

dad is probably affected, so much so that he’s fallen sick, 2 days after mom’s 2-day sleeping episode.

i wish i had a support system, but i think i’ll be the support system for them………… they probably need it more than me. i hope we get through these next few mths….

a hug would be much appreciated.

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Posted by on May 16, 2014 in i-Worry


Protected: hanging in there.

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Posted by on May 11, 2014 in i-Love, i-Miss, i-Wish


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